If your birthday is this week:  Good news this week!  The druids decide your not a worthy sacrifice!  Happy birthday!

Aries:  You will tip 22% when you meant to tip 18%.

Taurus:  Your GPS will keep leading you to the same Taco Bell until you order a Gordita.

Gemini:  The stars say, stop printing your own money.  It’s illegal and they’re going to figure out your face is on the bills.

Lemini:  Your idea for a new transportation system hits a snag when you realize that you’re a lazy fuck that never follows through on anything.

Cancer:  You will have a sensual car stop by a police officer wearing tear-away pants.

Leo:  You will massage an emu and then get thrown out of the zoo.  The emu will promise to call, but won’t.

Virgo:  You will be the person that discovers that Mountain Dew is 80% Water Buffalo sweat.

Libra:  You will realize that you’ve pissed off the waitress after discovering a band aid at the bottom of your salad.

Scorpio:  You will accidentally spread body butter all over your toast again.

Sagittarius:  The guy at the inspection station will say that your car is cool, but you could use to lose a few pounds.

Capricorn:  You’ll meet the last guy in your neighborhood with a newspaper subscription.

Aquarius:  You’ll giggle inappropriately at the word “wiener”.  Unfortunately, it will be in the middle of your trial.

Pisces:  You’ll spend most of the day crying since Game of Thrones isn’t on.