If your birthday is this week: Raccoons will jump out of your enormous, fake birthday cake, not to wish you a happy birthday, but because the rental place has a raccoon-sized hole in their storage unit.
Aries: You will discover that physically beating up your opponent in Clash of Clans is frowned upon by local authorities, although it is satisfying.
Taurus: Your Labor Day Weekend will end sometime after the traffic jam starts to thin out.
Gemini: The stars say, stop laughing at your own jokes. It’s creepy.
Lemini: Your prosthetic hand arrives in the mail, but you’re unable to open the package.
Cancer: You’ll finally beat your score on Galaga.
Leo: You will be drunk registering for classes and accidentally change to a Ballet-Engineer Double Major.
Virgo: You will be struck in the side of the head with a delicious scone.
Libra: This week, cash in your favor with a friend or else you’ll never get a handjob this week.
Scorpio: Your discount energy does not come, despite your repeated sexual encounters with the meter reader. Plus it turns out, that’s just a guy pretending to be a meter reader.
Sagittarius: You’ll listen to nothing but Joe Walsh and Bob Scaggs this week.
Capricorn: The NSA will send you an email this week requesting that you please be more interesting while they monitor you.
Aquarius: Kick up your game, you’re going to meet a lot of interesting singles in the county lock up this holiday.
Pisces: Your ninja throwing star business cards aren’t very effective at marketing, but they do annoy the shit out of people.
