If your birthday is this week:  Raccoons will jump out of your enormous, fake birthday cake, not to wish you a happy birthday, but because the rental place has a raccoon-sized hole in their storage unit.

Aries:  You will discover that physically beating up your opponent in Clash of Clans is frowned upon by local authorities, although it is satisfying.

Taurus:  Your Labor Day Weekend will end sometime after the traffic jam starts to thin out.

Gemini:  The stars say, stop laughing at your own jokes.  It’s creepy.

Lemini:  Your prosthetic hand arrives in the mail, but you’re unable to open the package.

Cancer:  You’ll finally beat your score on Galaga.

Leo:  You will be drunk registering for classes and accidentally change to a Ballet-Engineer Double Major.

Virgo:  You will be struck in the side of the head with a delicious scone.

Libra:  This week, cash in your favor with a friend or else you’ll never get a handjob this week.

Scorpio:  Your discount energy does not come, despite your repeated sexual encounters with the meter reader.  Plus it turns out, that’s just a guy pretending to be a meter reader.

Sagittarius:  You’ll listen to nothing but Joe Walsh and Bob Scaggs this week.

Capricorn:  The NSA will send you an email this week requesting that you please be more interesting while they monitor you.

Aquarius:  Kick up your game, you’re going to meet a lot of interesting singles in the county lock up this holiday.

Pisces:  Your ninja throwing star business cards aren’t very effective at marketing, but they do annoy the shit out of people.