If your birthday is this week: Your present will be ignited by an errant birthday cake candle, detonating the many fireworks your uncle smuggled over state lines for you. Make sure you take cover.
Aries: The stars say, stay away from the potato salad, it’s delicious, but you’re gassy.
Taurus: You will enjoy a freshly grilled hotdog after your 12th beer at the bottom of the deep end of a pool.
Gemini: A lifeguard will pull you out of the water and give you mouth to mouth, not because you’re drowning, but because he’s lonely.
Lemini: You’ll get really high and try marching in a parade, only to realize it’s just traffic.
Cancer: You’ll thank the troops by never joining the military.
Leo: You’ll learn the hard way that it does get hot enough inside the front seat of your car to ignite a bag of fireworks.
Virgo: Your “You Road Kill It, I Grill It Barbecue” is lightly attended this year.
Libra: Your Memorial Day volleyball game ends in a town wide riot, just like last year.
Scorpio: Your “Thank You H.J.’s” for the troops are popular, even with non-troops.
Sagittarius: Despite your marksman skill, shooting mosquitos during the family barbecue is rife with controversy.
Capricorn: Kevin Costner will bring you a cheeseburger and some pasta salad during a family picnic, then disappear mysteriously into a cornfield.
Aquarius: You’ll be the first person to get sun poisoning in the summer of 2015.
Pisces: You’ll announce that you’re trying to set the record for eating the most deviled eggs, not because you can do it, but because it gives you a good excuse to eat like a pig.
