If your birthday is this week:  Your gambling addiction spins out of control and you’re force to let your bookie take your place at the surprise party.

Aries:  The stars say, get some exercise you fat fuck.

Taurus:  A 300-pound meter maid leaves something on the windshield of your car, unfortunately for you it’s a love letter.

Gemini:  Jack Black shows up to your party and overstays his welcome loudly.

Lemini:  Now that you finally gathered the courage to leave a love letter on your secret love’s car, how about losing some weight?

Cancer:  You will mistake the fire at your neighbors for smoke signals and sign a treaty with the Pawnee.

Leo:  You’ll wear that shirt you sleep in to a fancy dinner party so that everyone can enjoy your musk.

Virgo:  A new opportunity comes your way, but then you remember you already sold one kidney.

Libra:  This week, spend time with family.  They’re the easiest to borrow money from.

Scorpio:  You’ll explore a new kind of porn involving the 2nd knuckle, you sick, sick freak.

Sagittarius:  You cancel your trip to Tunisia because you hear the wifi is shit.

Capricorn:  You’ll be unable to resist saying, “Mooooo!’ driving past a dairy farm.

Aquarius:  You’ll be unable to resist saying, “Coooorn!” driving past a cornfield.

Pisces:  You’ll laugh way too hard at the name of this eatery.