If your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake explodes and your fireworks display is super mild.
Aries: Your GPS leads you to a dead hooker and then displays the message, “You gotta help me, man!”
Taurus: You’ll be haunted by a ghost that only appears to watch you masturbate.
Gemini: You’ll go to Philadelphia and immediately search for what all American tourist look for, Mac’s Tavern.
Lemini: The stars say, buy a new lighter or you will have an odd number of fingers by the end of this weekend.
Cancer: Your barbecue goes off as planned you and eat 20 lbs. of steak alone.
Leo: Testing your pool party host’s pool to see if the water turns blue when you pee in it is a bad idea, especially when you pee from outside the pool.
Virgo: You will eat eight kinds of meat at your barbecue.
Libra: Don’t plan too much this weekend, you’ll be stuck in traffic until Arbor Day.
Scorpio: You’ll see Independence Day: Resurgence, but only because you’re Roland Emmerich.
Sagittarius: A Predator comes to your barbecue, but he gets too drunk to hunt you.
Capricorn: This week, wear flame-retardant clothing. The guy lighting your fireworks is near-sighted.
Aquarius: You’ll see a passive aggressive tone in everything you read because you just have to be that way, don’t you?
Pisces: You’ll correct someone’s grammar on the Internet…with a vengeance!
