If your birthday is this week:  Seemingly, a lot of people come to your birthday party, but it turns out they’re only there for the Pokémon Go stop.

Aries:  You’ll be corrected after claiming to be “so drunk” on birch beer.

Taurus:  Your mailman hates you, because your Blue Apron box will contain a bottle of poison and a spoon.

Gemini:  The stars say, you’ll forget one thing while stopping at Starbucks, your pants.

Lemini:  You’ll have trouble quitting smoking until you discover heroin.

Cancer:  The voices in your head will tell you to see a therapist.

Leo:  You lose an argument with a talking soda machine.

Virgo:  Your echo tells you to “Take is somewhere else.”

Libra:  Your Starbucks barista won’t stop writing “Some a-hole” on your latte cup.

Scorpio:  You’re finally able to separate your porn and sex tapes into equal piles.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll be stuck in a elevator, but only because the conversation there is so engrossing.

Capricorn:  The girl scouts will insist you buy cookies because you have a nice house “and it would be a shame if something bad were to happen to it.”

Aquarius:  Your chauffer will suddenly ask you, “Wanna seem me roll out of this thing while it’s moving?”

Pisces:  You’ll really put the hammer down today because you’re out of nails.