If your birthday is this week: The pizza guy sings you the Happy Birthday song, but won’t pretend he bought you the presents you bought yourself.
Aries: You will fart into a p.a. system at an auto dealership.
Taurus: The stars say, your date climbed out the window of the bathroom and stole your car.
Gemini: This week, get ready for excitement because the guy that changed your oil bled your brakes by mistake.
Lemini: You will be rejected for membership in a local cult.
Cancer: A group of boy scouts will help you walk into traffic.
Leo: You’ll accidentally win a bronze medal in track running away from the cops on your trip to Brazil.
Virgo: In your rush to get ready in the morning, you will accidentally use spray cheese as deodorant.
Libra: A drunken Santa will show up at your house, throw some presents on your front lawn and scream “Finally!”
Scorpio: Your garbage men offer you a spare trashcan just for your extra used condoms.
Sagittarius: You connect spiritually to an online Internet meme about toasters.
Capricorn: You’ll get nothing but coconut in your next Whitman’s Sampler.
Aquarius: Aliens will kidnap you, but instead of anally probing you, they just give you better clothes and send you on your way.
Pisces: You’ll make the third greatest sandwich of all time, but only the 47th greatest side salad.
