Super Frat

Dom Moccey was an anagram for Comedy.com, which I was working for at the time.  My idea was to send out a series of crazy emails to various corporations to see how they would respond.  I guess they were a little too crazy because I didn’t get back even one response.  Still, the letters were funny.  Here now are some of my faves:

Dear GOP of NJ:

Hello, my name is Dom Moccey of the United Faith Church.  My congregation and I are all diehard Republikens and love your organization.  Our church has done it’s part to ensure that Family Values are embedded into our community.

Recently, the members of the congregation bought lottery tickets for fun and we won a modest prize of $103,400.  Rather than split that money between us or put it into the church (it’s already quite well-funded) we thought we might donate it to the NJ GOP.  After a long and lively debate, the congregation and I decided that we can only donate it if all the conditions are met.  I apologize for some of the conditions, but some of our older parishioners are set in their ways.

1)  The money can’t be used for Democrats (there’s a no brainer!)

2)  Any Republican candidate the money does help, must agree to be an avid church goer, at least once a week.

3)  Mrs. Anderson insists that at least part of the money be used to promote an initiative to stop gay people from being allowed to marry animals or drive farming equipment.

4)  Mr. Stevenson wants none of the money to be spent on artificial tanning methods, as he feels this makes candidates “too black and scary”.

5)  Mr. Lake and Mrs. Finch want the GOP to spend part of the money in developing a New Jersey Space Program so that we can eventually launch toxic waste into the moon’s craters.

6)  To avoid the horrible accident Governor Corzine caused a few years ago, the GOP should pass a law that no politician be allowed to exceed 25 mph while in office.

I really think I can get the group to come up to 35 on that last one, but they’re pretty firm on most of this.  Perhaps you could come to the church and speak with the group.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Dom Moccey

Dear Adam and Eve: (to AdamandEve.com)

I am a frequent user of your products, but this is the first time I’ve ever had enough of a problem that I thought I had to complain.  It’s probably nothing, as I suspect I am using your product incorrectly, but then again the packaging should be more explicit in way of instructions.

On August 5, I purchased your “Sexy Slave Kit”.  However, the girl I tried it out on quickly escaped the bonds.  I was forced to knock her unconscious with a lamp to keep her from escaping the motel room.  Far from being my slave, she seemed just as agitated as when I kidnapped her from the Arby’s parking lot.

Pardon me for saying, but I think the bonds need to be much stronger.  And quite frankly, I don’t know how anyone is going to be your slave in these things unless they are willing.  Maybe you coated them with some kind of drug?  That would probably work, but then you’d need to put a warning on the package.  “Cover in drugs”.  And that might alert people that you want to be your slave.

Anyhow, I’m not going to return it, but I am curious to how your slaves reacted so positively to this product.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Pastor Dom Moccey

Dear WoW Administrators: (World of Warcraft via their website)

I recently became aware of your game online due to one of my parishioner’s participation.  The young man, I will call him “Matt K”, is a bright, vibrant 16 year-old with his whole life ahead of him.  But since playing online with his friends, Matt has changed.  Once an altar boy here at the church, he seems no longer interested in cleaning the church pipe organ or helping up arrange the hymnals for service.  Worse, he has been talking to girls and considering getting a tattoo.  The church officers and I have come to one conclusion due to his behavior.

He is possessed by the Devil.

As a pastor in the United Faith Church, I was appalled at what I saw on your website.  Clearly, this is a window to the occult.  Demons, magic, druids and other pagan rituals are not only going on at your website, but many of the characters are sexualized.  This is obviously how Matt has become possessed.

Matt has explained to the church officials and I that he is a “10^th level Elven Paladin” and the only way he can leave the game is to be killed.  Therefore, we demand that you give me and my 28 parishioners free access to your World of Warcraft game so we can “kill” Matt and save his soul.

We think it only fair since you endangered it in the first place.

Sincerely,

Pastor Dom Moccey

Dear Sweet Baby Ray’s:

I am a long time customer, first time writer.  I find your sauce the best!  I have even been known to take a little sip out of the bottle while I am bbq’ing.  Mmm, mmm!  Delish!

But my youngest, Randy, is not much of a bbq fan or for that matter, any food.  It has become quite a chore to get him to eat.  Then I remembered your slogan, “Show ’em Whose Boss!”  Taking that to heart, I decided to wash his hair with the great taste of Baby Rays.  I figured if he smelled it all day on him, eventually he would get used to it and finish his ribs.  It seemed to have the opposite effect.

Additionally, he keeps crying that the sauce is burning his eyes. I have rubbed some in my eyes and indeed it does burn.  I’ve tried making him wear goggles, but the delicious sauce just seeps in.  Do you have a flavor that won’t burn the eyes?  I would greatly appreciate it if you did.  Or maybe you have a new, non eye-burning sauce.  That could be a selling point on your package.  “No tears bbq” although you’d have to clear it with Johnson and Johnson.

Anyhow, I would appreciate a response.  Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Dom Moccey