If your birthday is this week:  You’ll never guess what your friends got you for your birthday, because you don’t have any.

Aries:  You’ll wake up with a werewolf mask and a tutu from the last night’s party.

Taurus:  You will receive an invitation to go dumpster diving from an extremely fancy hobo.

Gemini:  You’ll be followed around a band that keeps playing ominous music.

Lemini:  This week, you’ll be feasting on some entrails, whose they are is anyone’s guess.

Cancer:  Don’t think twice about decisions today, you’re too stupid to make the right choice and you’re just wasting everyone’s time.

Leo:  A woman in line at the supermarket will flash you her boobs and then tell you about her great grandchildren.

Virgo:  Someone will buy you some birthday Sangria and you’ll be shocked it comes in an oil drum.

Libra:  You’ll eat too much of Caesar’s Salad, leaving Caesar no choice but to insist you pay more of the check.

Scorpio:  You will dress up your genitals as the Joker.

Sagittarius:  Your old Chinese food in the fridge is so old, it throws itself out.

Capricorn:  You will be attacked by several mime ninjas.  Fortunately, a mime samurai saves your life.

Aquarius:  You’ll discover that doing caricatures in the Mall on spec won’t get you a job doing them.

Pisces:  Bringing Ziploc bags to the barbecue turns out to be an awesome idea, allowing you to bring several extra hamburgers home.