If your birthday is this week: A hockey fight will break out at your birthday party and you’ll spend the rest of the evening in the penalty box.
Aries: Your pizza guy will insist that you don’t need the carbs.
Taurus: The stars say, that Frisbee’s still on your roof.
Gemini: You’ll take an enormous shit, but decide later that you should return it to its rightful owner.
Lemini: You’ll hit on 17 and she’ll turn you down.
Cancer: Your computer will inform you that you’ve reached maximum porn storage.
Leo: You’ll enjoy a cup of chunkless Chunky Soup.
Virgo: You’ll invent a new ice cream flavor called Disappointment Orange that tastes like Lemon.
Libra: You’ll reconnect with an old mentor just in time for them to borrow money from you.
Scorpio: You’ll prove that the cinnamon challenge isn’t a challenge if you use your anus instead of your mouth.
Sagittarius: Someone dressed in a gorilla suit will attempt to get you to buy them bananas.
Capricorn: You will put your genitals against an a historical object.
Aquarius: You will discover an entire case of whiskey in your cellar and realize that your supply is far too low.
Pisces: You will attend the Jersey Shore Comic Book Show where fans will shower you with praise and later, an actual shower, so maybe wear a clean shirt.
