If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will be a tube of uncooked cookie dough and a candle, but you don’t mind.

Aries:  You will break the seat on the 25 cent rocketship ride in front of the drugstore.

Taurus:  Your Uber driver will stop to do his laundry, making you late.

Gemini:  You will order a sandwich with 28 distinct toppings.

Lemini:  The woman at the Wendy’s drive thru will decide that you’re too ugly to deserve ketchup.

Cancer:  The stars say, don’t buy that used car until the seller agrees to remove the wolverine in the back seat.

Leo:  The man from Craigslist who sells you the couch insists that the burglar alarm and smashed window is nothing to be worried about, but you do have to leave with the couch within in the next 90 seconds.

Virgo:  You will be hunted by the son of last year’s Thanksgiving turkey.

Libra:  Your friends hold an intervention to get you to start wearing shirts again.

Scorpio:  The tennis game on a public court will only be half as intense as the sex at the net right afterwards.

Sagittarius:  A clown in a sewer will offer you a great rate on car insurance, but don’t believe it.

Capricorn:  Your coworkers will fill your car with acorns, infuriating you and local squirrels.

Aquarius:  You neighbor’s pool is finally closed, so you’ll have to find another place to pee.

Pisces:  This week is the beginning of a bright future for you, but they tell that to everyone who starts work at the tanning salon.