Oct04

Twitter in Focus: Jermaine Clement

by tonyd on October 4, 2017 at 1:25 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is Jermaine Clement, formerly of Flight of the Concords, currently of Legion.  Let’s see what he’s tweeting.

@AJemaineClement

September 28th:  “Ah, yes! Finally!”

Vintage porn fans must be going nuts.

September 29th:  “You: How are you so stylish, J? Me: by wearing shoes I bought from my uber-driver-from-2-years-ago’s company.”

All my uber driver wanted to sell me was heroine.  Lucky.

October 1st:  “Oh, the guy who didn’t know Israel is in the Middle East and who apologised that his wife (who was standing next to him) couldn’t make it. ”

Who was that, I wonder.

13 hours ago:  “Wow, can anyone imagine something as scary as this?”

Obviously everyone needs 280 characters or our grammar and spelling will continue to be shit.

Okay, let’s rate this one.  Had to cut out a few responses because Jermaine does a ton of back and forth and retweets.  Good stuff though.  Fun and a little political.  I give Jermaine a 7 for Style, an 8 for Mustness and a 9 for Insanity.  That’s an overall score of 8, follow Jermaine.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

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Oct02

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on October 2, 2017 at 12:01 am

Sr Cactus and Mistah Shit

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

(translated by Mistah Shit)

Sleepless in Saskatchewan:

Señor Cactus:

My roommate’s dog is cute, but it barks continuously for no reason sometimes.  It lasts so long, I sometimes get a headache.  I feel like if I do not get some relief from this noisy pooch, I may just strangle it.  Can you give me some advice?

Amy, 20

Dear Sleepless:

Cactus say, take the doggie for a nice, long walk.  Then feed it lots of it’s favorite food.  Then it will be nice and sleepy.  This will allow you to creep up behind it, get a good grip on its throat and strangle it before he can bite you.  Your roommate is going to be pissed, tho.

Confused in the Capitol

Dear Señor Cactus:

I met this guy and slept with him on our first date.  We just really clicked.  We were seeing each other every day and having sex like crazy.  Now, suddenly, he wants to “slow down”.  What should I do?

Gloria, 18, Gerogetown U

Dear Confused

Cactus say, you’re bad at sex!  It’s the only explanation!  Your man did all he could to bang you out, but in the end he couldn’t take it anymore!  Get better at sex!  If you have enough of it, you’re bound to figure it out!

Worried in Wisconsin:

Great Señor Cactus:

Are we going to be killed by North Korea?

Trace N., 25, Milwaukee

Dear Worried:

Cactus say, what kind of name is “Trace”?  It’s not even “Tracy”, which is the name of a girl or a 1940’s movie star or  a dick.  You need a whole name before Cactus answer your question.

Naked in North Carolina

Hey Señor Cactus:

My ex-boyfriend put naked pictures of me on the Internet.  These were personal photos of just me for him and now I feel completely betrayed!  What should I do?  Is my life ruined?!

Blithe, 19, NCU

Dear Naked

Cactus say, the only way to know for sure is to forward your pics to him immediately! 

Only then, can he judge if your life is truly ruined.  If you do not have the photos, you may have to recreated them.  In fact, make some extra photos anyway.  I’m sure they will be in the spirit of the originals.  This is the only way to know for sure!  The ONLY WAY!

If you have a questions for Señor Cactus, email here.

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Oct01

Your Fratoscope: October 1, 2017

by tonyd on October 1, 2017 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  You’ll get lots of mouthwash for your birthday, in fact, nothing but mouthwash.

Aries:  Your FitBit will ask you if you’re still alive.

Taurus:  Your alien friend finally admits there’s no scientific value in anally probing you.

Gemini:  The stars say, if you buy better clothes, homeless people will stop trying to give you money.

Lemini:  You will go to prison, but not for the reason you think.

Cancer:  It will turn out that the dating profile you responded to was actually run, not by a woman, but by a dolphin trying to steal your identity.

Leo:  You’ll accidentally drink some change you had in a cup, but it will be more refreshing than that Mountain Dew you were gonna drink.

Virgo:  This week, some fat fuck on the Internet calls you poseur for posting pictures of you modeling for an art class.

Libra:  Someone somewhere is describing your scent as “musky”.

Scorpio:  You will finish watching all the porn on the Internet and decide to go back and do it again.

Sagittarius:  You will realize that the opposing team in dodge ball brought ringers from a professional team.

Capricorn:  You’ll get down and dirty this week, because you’re going into a basement with Courtney Love.

Aquarius:  The real Batman beats the crap out of you, then chastises you for dying your hair green and giggling in public.

Pisces:  You’ll realize that your locked your keys inside your car, which is bad, because it makes impossible for you to brake.

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Sep30

Ten Things I Learned About Hugh Hefner

by tonyd on September 30, 2017 at 12:01 am

The original Quagmire is dead.  But the legendary stories of him and his adventurous penis live on.  Here are Ten Things I Learned about Hugh Hefner.

  1.  He enlisted during World War II.
  2. The original name of Playboy was going to be Stag Party.
  3.  The playmates had a 9pm curfew.
  4.  He banned Luke Wilson from the Playboy Mansion.
  5.  He never met (or banged) Marilyn Monroe.
  6.  His brother and mother helped on the initial investment in Playboy Magazine.
  7.  Hefner was arrested in obscenity charges in 1963 for the Playboy’s pictorial on Jane Mansfield, but the charges were dropped.
  8.  Playboy was the first men’s magazine for the blind.
  9. The grotto pool made everyone sick once.
  10. Hef had two dozen girlfriends at once, one would be number one and sleep in the same room, while the others would rotate in and out (so to speak).  Legend.
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