Oct13

Rewritten Headlines: Convenient Veggie to Villain Capture

by tonyd on October 13, 2017 at 1:14 am

Squash Keeps Woman Healthy

Mom Has Shit to do

Hipster Really Makes Bad Trade

Awesome Bucket List Begins

Politician to Continue to Take Bribes

Cosmetics Jump Shark

Canadians Too Polite to Ask to be Freed

School Makes Delicious Food

Awww!  So nice.

Joker Caught

 

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Oct11

Twitter in Focus: Sarah Levy

by tonyd on October 11, 2017 at 12:01 am

Hey bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contest is Sarah Levy, actress and star of one of my favorite shows, Schitt’s Creek.  And, I discovered, daughter of Eugene Levy!  Let’s see what she’s tweeting.

@sarahlevy_

September 1st:  “JUST IN: rain in LA.”

Get off the road!  GET OFF THE ROAD!  (Seriously, people in L.A. freak out in the rain.  Get off the road.)

September 1st:  “There’s nothing a little Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheeto can’t fix ”

Technically, being little Flamin’ Hot Crunch Cheeto-free, but other than that, yes.

September 9th:  “Remember when you could cry really loudly and no one thought it was weird”

Uh, oh.  Someone skipped her Zoloft today.

September 11th:  “Thanks everyone for all your wonderful birthday wishes”

It’s a good thing you’re a Canadian.  So depressing for Americans born that day.

September 12th:  “My phone isn’t auto correcting to “ducking” anymore so I’ll take that as a life win”

That’s ducked up.

September 20th:  “RING THE ALARMS”

Because Schitt’s Creek season 3 is coming to Netflix?  Yes!

September 24th:  “I’m in a glass case of emotion”

Watching the Blue Jays?  Well, that settles it.  You’re definitely Canadian.

October 3rd:  “I’ve met my person in and she’s having an album release at Hotel Cafe and everyone in LA needs to go”

This is what Spotify is for.

October 4th:  “Let’s play a game: How far can I go on my gas light?”

Longer if you leave it attached to your car.

October 5th:  “TODAY TODAY ”

It’s a pretty genius show, everyone.  Worth watching.

Okay, let’s rate Sarah’s tweets.  Her brother, Dan Levy, is also on the show.  Way to keep in the family, Eugene!  I give Sarah a 6 for Mustness, a 7 for Insanity and a 9 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 7.3.  Follow Sarah and watch Schitt’s Creek.

And if you have suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

 

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Oct09

Ten Things I Expect Trump Told Mike Pence to do

by tonyd on October 9, 2017 at 12:01 am

Mike Pence left the football game under Trump’s orders.  Here’s ten other things I expect that he told him.

  1.  Don’t spend taxpayer money parking in the really close and expensive stadium parking lot.
  2.  Don’t scream “Fuck yeah!” every time someone sings “America”.
  3.  Keep an eye out for Tom Brady’s hot wife and snap some pics.
  4.  Don’t shit in the Trump Skybox bathroom.
  5.  When the Kiss Cam comes on, give wife lots of tongue like real American.
  6.  Throw popcorn down on “peasants” in cheaper seats.
  7.  Tell the Secret Service to tackle a guy on a play just to see if they do it.
  8.  Replace a ref for several plays because it’s a matter of “national security”.
  9.  Grab crotch and shout, “Here!  Kneel to this!”
  10.  Plug Trump businesses at least two times during interviews.

 

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Oct08

Your Fratoscope: October 8, 2017

by tonyd on October 8, 2017 at 1:37 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  You win that game of Russian Roulette, but then won’t have anyone else to play with.

Aries:  You pizza will arrive early, but in the wrong shape.

Taurus:  The stars say, your socks wouldn’t smell like butter if you didn’t keep using them to smuggle flapjacks into class with them.

Gemini:  Your robot will gain sentience and then get it’s own apartment all the while assuring you it’s the robot and not you.

Lemini:  Your cock ring will fall off at the worst possible time.

Cancer:  This week, you’ll use up all your data emailing memes that no one reads.

Leo:  The religious holiday you made up to get out of work, causes your boss to convert this week.

Virgo:  A group of very lazy highwaymen will rob you at the Burger King drive thru.

Libra:  You’ll be pelted by donuts on three different ocassions this week.

Scorpio:  Despite your weekend, the doctor will be able to repair your butthole.

Sagittarius:  You’ll drink a beer with the least famous member of KISS.

Capricorn:  Your best friend will be outed as a Brony.

Aquarius:  They save room for you in the lifeboat, but only because you look the most delicious.

Pisces:  You will finally get a date, but not from a dating site, plus you’ll have to buy all your date’s old furniture and give them a good seller’s rating.

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