If your birthday is this week: Your birthday trip to Australia takes an ominous turn when you realize your family only bought you a one-way ticket.
Aries: You will be sexually harassed by a Keebler Elf.
Taurus: You’ll find a pile of Hobbit skeletons behind the old Ren Faire Grounds.
Gemini: You’ll find a mini-Cooper in your parking space, so you throw it in the nearest trash can.
Lemini: You’ll realize that asking for a happy ending at the message center is inappropriate.
Cancer: It will turn out, the stripper doesn’t have change for your five.
Leo: You’ll regret teaching that locksmith class to the zoo gorillas.
Virgo: The stars say, you’ll be surprised by a Yeti and even more surprised when he asks to buy your coat.
Libra: The librarian will ask you to cease your breakdancing and just check out a book or leave.
Scorpio: Your favorite porn star won’t return your calls or your dildos.
Sagittarius: When you arrive at the turkey shoot, you realize only the birds have guns and this may not be what you think it is.
Capricorn: After a week at your new job, your coworkers pitch in and build you a brand new account on Linked In.
Aquarius: The Joker will try and buy some Xanax from you.
Pisces: You’ll take a titty twister too far and end up defacing that store mannequin.
