Feb09

Rewritten Headlines: Naked Passenger to Toddler Looks

by tonyd on February 9, 2018 at 12:54 am

Dude Can’t Wait to Shower

We’re All Gonna Die

Worst Prize Ever

Actor to Hilariously Kill a Bunch of People

Scottish Cops Dumb Too

Vampires Working at Starbucks

Lemiwinks On Another Quest

Hallmark Movie IRL

Olympic Team to Make Lots of Omelettes

Shitty Government Employee Criticizes Other Shitty Government Employee

Daycare Really Concerned About Kid’s Looks

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Feb07

Twitter in Focus: Channing Tatum

by tonyd on February 7, 2018 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is Channing Tatum!  Star of stage and screen.  Let’s see what he’s tweeting.

@ChanningTatum

November 7th:  “Had the pleasure of debuting War Dog: A Soldier’s Best Friend last night in LA. Honored to help tell this story. – Monday on ”

Look at this.  Livin’ the life, this guy.

November 13th:  “War Dog: A Soldier’s Best Friend is out today on . So grateful to share these veteran’s incredible story with y’all. Thanks to all the brave soldiers who serve our country, both human and K-9. ”

Six day premiere.  Man, that was long.

November 20th:  “Yeti or not, here we come. Can’t wait for you to meet Migo in ! In theaters September 28, 2018.”

Ouch.  I wonder how much truckloads of money they gave him for this.  I’m guessing six.

December 4th:  “This creature is 1 more year beautiful. The transformation she invoked this year has been something they only write about in books of fairytale & magic. Your strength & grace ever evolving. You make everything around you grow. So grateful for your lessons. Happy life day my love.”

He does not tweet often, but realistically if you were living his life, would you?

December 11th:  “Alabamians – please get out and vote this Tuesday Dec 12th in the special Senate election for . Watch & share this video w/ local Alabamians & legendary civil rights leader : ”

Once a week.  Disciplined tweets.  How famous do you have to be to never tweet again, I wonder.

December 18th:  “Attention all hard workers and shit stirrers: is assembling a group of talented and outgoing ambassadors for 2018. Candidates should be 21+, social with a wide array of interests… ”

Ambassadors to…?

13 hours ago:  “Aaaa… this dream catcher is straight up what actual dreams are made of. ”

Nice pic.

Okay, let’s rate Tatum’s tweets.  Um, not much behind the scenes.  Kind of phoning it in, not that I blame him.  I mean, seriously, like he needs to promote on Twitter.  I give Channing a 4 for Insanity, a 3 for Mustness and a 5 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 4.  Meh.  At least he’s not bombarding you with tweets.  Why not follow?

And if you have a suggestion for TIF, email me here.

 

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Feb05

Ten Things I Expect Now That the Eagles Won the Super Bowl

by tonyd on February 5, 2018 at 2:45 am

  1. Angry Patriots Fans tie down Tom Brady and force feed him cheesesteaks as punishment.
  2. Every window in South Philly gets smashed out by something green during the parade.
  3. Statue of Mayor Rizzo melted down to build statue of Nick Foles.
  4. It’s later revealed that despite the loss, the Patriots cheated.
  5. Bud Light goes bankrupt after victory parade.
  6. Philadelphia fans to become even more insufferable in other venues.
  7. “Fly Eagles Fly” song changed to “Fuck Everybody Else, We Won!”
  8.  Boston must change its name to “Shit Town” after losing bet between mayors.
  9.  Philadelphia drives itself into bankruptcy building an even bigger, more ostentatious stadium.
  10.  Victory parade lasts six days causing two hundred million dollars in damage.
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Feb04

Your Fratoscope: February 4, 2018

by tonyd on February 4, 2018 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party is canceled after more opposite research comes out about you.

Aries:  Your imaginary friend comes back to sleep on your couch for two weeks.

Taurus:  You will be the victim of a drive-by meme.

Gemini:  The stars say, put on some pants or close your curtains or shave your genitals.

Lemini:  You’ll quite Facebook and realize you have no actual friends.

Cancer:  It will turn out that lemonade stand you visited is part of a Ponzi scheme.

Leo:  You’ll spot Mayor McCheese at a Wendy’s and realize he’s a cannibal.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll forget what you were supposed to be offended by on Twitter.

Libra:  You’ll get really upset at something you saw on Reddit that you’ll write a 15 paragraph denunciation, but not actually read the link.

Scorpio:  The door man punches your card at the sex dungeon for the 20th time, which means you get to give him a blow job for free.

Sagittarius:  Turns out, that “body” in your attic was just a dufflebag, so you killed all those witnesses for nothing.

Capricorn:  The girl scouts threaten to break your legs if you don’t come up with the money for the thin mints you ordered, so apparently they do have badges for everything.

Aquarius:  Your doctor will recommend a regime of Sour Patch Kids and video games, which is when you’ll realize he’s 12.

Pisces:  Your prediction of the Super Bowl: Eagles 10, Patriots 9, is close, but is off a slight amount of numbers.

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