If your birthday is this week:  You sweetheart throws you a surprise paternity test.

Aries:  Your countdown to buying leftover Valentine’s Day candy at CVS and getting diabetes has begun!

Taurus:  Your edible underwear present turns out to be a bit strong for a first date.

Gemini:  Your Sweethearts Candy keeps telling you to stay single.

Lemini:  The flowers you bring on your date probably would’ve worked better if you hadn’t ripped them out of your date’s front yard.

Cancer:  Your girlfriend doesn’t appreciate your sex tape highlights reel.

Leo:  The 80 year old masseuse will honor your coupon, but pass out before the happy ending.

Virgo:  Someone will use your Valentine’s Day card as justification for a FISA warrant.

Libra:  Pirates will raid your swan boat ride and your date will leave voluntarily with them.

Scorpio:  You’ll run out of lube, making the second half of the orgy rough.

Sagittarius:  The person you’re stalking finally starts acknowledging you in their trash.

Capricorn:  Your Viagra vending machine will run out at the worst possible time.

Aquarius:  Cupid hits you in the genitals and you spend the entire week spanking it.

Pisces:  Your attempt to juggle two dates on the same night blows up in your face and you end up having to have sex with both dates together.