If your birthday is this week: Your pinata squeals and runs away after someone tries to break it open.
Aries: You realize that hydrating yourself with vodka during the marathon isn’t healthy, but you don’t care.
Taurus: You’ll be intimidated by the stare of a store mannequin.
Gemini: The stars say, your true love is not a Cinabon the size and shape of a woman, but it’s pretty close.
Lemini: You will finally know for sure that the Starbucks doesn’t serve people who come in with no pants regardless of their gold card status.
Cancer: You will eat an entire pie on a dare, but technically you dared yourself so…
Leo: A motorcycle driver that ends up in the back of your SUV, tells you to stop tapping the brake when you drive.
Virgo: Everyone in your spin class agrees, you have to stop bringing your pet badger with you.
Libra: Freeing the lobsters at the seafood restaurant seems like a good idea, until they take the kitchen staff hostage.
Scorpio: You’ll remember a familiar birthmark halfway through having sex with your Tinder date and become annoyed that they didn’t remember the sex with you the first time.
Sagittarius: Next week, your P.A.B. card expires so remind yourself to commit some crimes.
Capricorn: Asking for a back rub in the deli turns out not to be as embarrassing as you think.
Aquarius: After coming out of the bathroom, your dog brings you a piece of candy.
Pisces: You will wake up in the middle of the night and realize that nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a Tastykake.
