If your birthday is this week:  You will put your gift certificate for the massage parlor to good use.

Aries:  You will accidentally join the Teamsters and they won’t let you leave.

Taurus:  Your will pour your heart and soul out to a professional, but the mini-mart gas station attendant has few ideas on how to improve your life.

Gemini:  You’ll realize someone stole your Pop Tarts again.

Lemini:  The stars say, don’t wait until tomorrow to put out that fire.

Cancer:  The ghost of Houdini will appear to you and ask if you have any messages for him.

Leo:  You’ll discover that brushing your dog’s teeth is a good way to smell his breath for a good ten minutes.

Virgo:  The Roller Derby match turns even uglier as the girls decide to do the final loops in the nude.

Libra:  Your baker refuses to make you a gay cake unless you also agree to buy some gay cupcakes with it.

Scorpio:  You’ll forget which groupies you already had sex with and have sex with the entire group again just to be sure.

Sagittarius:  Your ketchup bottle comes to life and screams “Why?!” every time you squeeze ketchup out.

Capricorn:  Your date will ask you if your barber is differently abled.

Aquarius:  Your pantry leprechaun refuses you access to the Oregano again.

Pisces:  The genie grants your wishes, then realizes he can give all that shit to himself.