If your birthday is this week:  Your cake will be glazed in the tears of your enemies, just like Conan.

Aries:  You will somehow jack knife your VW Beetle.

Taurus:  You’ll shock everyone at the miniature golf course by sinking several holes-in-one without pants.

Gemini:  A policeman will ticket you, mostly because he’s just bored.

Lemini:  This week, you’ll start counting all the slices of bread you eat until you die.

Cancer:  That meat that you’ve been saving in the fridge finally gets up and throws itself out.

Leo:  The strippers at the strip club insist you sit in shadow because it’s too depressing to gyrate around you.

Virgo:  You’ll invent a delicious new cocktail with a horrible name called the Goat Piss Margarita.

Libra:  You will get into another fight over tacos.

Scorpio:  You will expose yourself to some tourists.

Sagittarius:  Your image consultant finally tells you to take the mascot costume off.

Capricorn:  The stars say, global warming sure is cool looking from where the stars are sitting.

Aquarius: You will be challenged to a fight by several small children dressed as the characters from Fight Club.

Pisces:  You’ll drink so much iced tea, you’ll go back in time to the beginning of the week and do it again.