Your Easter Fratoscope 2017on April 16, 2017 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You can a birthday call from the Easter Bunny, but you suspect it’s not the real Easter Bunny.
Aries: A large pink bunny beats the crap out of your pizza delivery guy on your front lawn, insisting only “he delivers in this town on this day”.
Taurus: You’ll discover that eating the fake grass in your Easter Basket really makes your poop come out in strange colors.
Gemini: Someone will replace the inside of your Easter egg candy with kale.
Lemini: The same thing’s going to happen to you that happened last year: this.
Cancer: You regret holding your Easter Egg hunt in the dog park.
Leo: You’ll see a drunken Santa stagger past the line of kids waiting for the Easter Bunny and shout, “What are you lookin’ at?!”
Virgo: You will be told that wearing a rabbit costume to church this Sunday is extremely inappropriate.
Libra: You’ll find a very confused leprechaun passed out in your Easter basket.
Scorpio: You will find that your sex toy shaped chocolates unwrapped and weird tasting.
Sagittarius: An angry group of ragtag chickens will break into your house and free the Easter Eggs you dyed.
Capricorn: The stars say, coating a turkey with chocolate and leaving it under the Christmas tree is going to send mixed signals.
Aquarius: You’ll wake up to the Easter Bunny humping your leg, but you will get extra chocolate.
Pisces: You will find the Easter Bunny’s wallet, but it’s only full of “Bunny Bucks”.