If your birthday is this week:  You can a birthday call from the Easter Bunny, but you suspect it’s not the real Easter Bunny.

Aries:  A large pink bunny beats the crap out of your pizza delivery guy on your front lawn, insisting only “he delivers in this town on this day”.

Taurus:  You’ll discover that eating the fake grass in your Easter Basket really makes your poop come out in strange colors.

Gemini:  Someone will replace the inside of your Easter egg candy with kale.

Lemini:  The same thing’s going to happen to you that happened last year: this.

Cancer:  You regret holding your Easter Egg hunt in the dog park.

Leo:  You’ll see a drunken Santa stagger past the line of kids waiting for the Easter Bunny and shout, “What are you lookin’ at?!”

Virgo:  You will be told that wearing a rabbit costume to church this Sunday is extremely inappropriate.

Libra:  You’ll find a very confused leprechaun passed out in your Easter basket.

Scorpio:  You will find that your sex toy shaped chocolates unwrapped and weird tasting.

Sagittarius:  An angry group of ragtag chickens will break into your house and free the Easter Eggs you dyed.

Capricorn:  The stars say, coating a turkey with chocolate and leaving it under the Christmas tree is going to send mixed signals.

Aquarius:  You’ll wake up to the Easter Bunny humping your leg, but you will get extra chocolate.

Pisces:  You will find the Easter Bunny’s wallet, but it’s only full of “Bunny Bucks”.