If your birthday is this week:  A girl will jump out of a cake for your party, but the next day, you’ll wake up inside a cake at someone else’s party.

Aries:  You will eat a delicious painting.

Taurus:  The stars say, invest in plastics.

Gemini:  You neighbor’s dog is stealing your mail.

Lemini:  Your drug dealer suggests that you may have a problem.

Cancer:  Get up early and get things done today, that way you can get drunk much, much earlier.

Leo:  Your boss will partner you up with a suicidal, wise-cracking loose cannon and together you’ll run the craziest Starbucks ever.

Virgo:  You’ll discover that it’s nearly impossible to recycle lettuce.

Libra:  The ghost of Corey Haim will attempt to borrow $200 from you.

Scorpio:  You will become aroused by a new ice cream flavor.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover a department store mannequin that looks just like you and it’s dressed way better.

Capricorn:  You’ll eat a pizza in the shape of your favorite celebrity.

Aquarius:  This week, go easy on your boss, he has to fire you on Friday.

Pisces:  You’ll discover that it’s not too hard to remove everything from your fridge and climb inside out of the heat.