If your birthday is this week:  Your parents hire an Ace Ventura: Pet Detective lookalike for your birthday, but it turns out to actually be Jim Carrey.

Aries:  You’ll find a note in your old turkey pen that says, “This year, for my brother…you!”

Taurus:  You’ll get into a wrench fight at the hardware store.

Gemini: The stars say, take down those fucking Christmas decorations and wait for goddamned December!

Lemini:  Zombies steal your car and very slowly drive it away.

Cancer:  You’ll get that tune stuck in your head.  You know the one.

Leo:  You’ll fall down some stairs in the rhythm of your favorite reggae song.

Virgo:  Work will be a mix bag, mostly because you work in a supermarket and you can’t separate every grocery item or you’ll be fired.

Libra:  You won’t win the lottery, but you won’t lose at collecting bits of paper with your favorite numbers.

Scorpio:  Your fetish for saying racists things during sex continues to get you in trouble this week.

Sagittarius:  Look on the bright side of your terrible cooking skills, you make awesomely hard cookie-sized projectiles.

Capricorn:  A Kiss of Death will turn into Heavy Petting of Death, a Blowjob of Death and eventually a long relationship with someone in the Mafia.

Aquarius:  Tomorrow will be a rollercoaster of anger, a log flume of disgust and a bumper cars of stupidity.

Pisces:  You will foil a mass shooting at a food court, but still be forced to bus your own tray after it’s over.