Oct04

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on October 4, 2010 at 12:01 am


translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Desperate in Des Moines,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate refuses to do his share of the cleaning chores. I’ve tried everything. He’s left potato chips in the bath tub, he filled the hamper with empty beer cans and he’s left a pile of chicken wing bones on the shelf above his bed for three weeks! It stinks bad! What the Hell do I do with this guy?

Willie, 20, GVU

Dear Midwest Milquetoast

Cactus say, dat pretty much what Mistah Shit had to put up with all through Freshman year. Da frat brothers peed in da sink and Mistah Shit have ta clean it. Da frat brothers vomit in his sock drawer and Mistah Shit have ta clean it. Da frat brothers make sweet love to da DVD player and Mistah Shit have ta throw it away. Then one day, Mistah Shit become a frat brother and a meteor give his bros and da frat house superpowers. Now, there are pledges ta clean things. Da morale is, join a frat and you can pee and vomit and have sex wherever and with whatever you want. I hope dis help you.

Torn in Thousand Oaks, Cali

Great Señor Cactus,

One of my frat brothers is stealing money from the Student Union to spend on drugs. He’s my bro, but I feel what he’s doing is wrong. Please give me advice.

Oscar, 23, USC

Dear Oscar

Cactus say, of course what he is doing is wrong! Yer brother is making da frat and you look bad! Everyone knows dat the Pledgemaster gets 10%, the President 5% and all active brothers an equal share. You sit him down and have a talk so dis never happen again!

High in New Haven

Dude. Cactus.

I am so high right now. I am so fucking high. It’s awesome. Do you ever get high being a plant? If so, can I get high with you?

Signed,
Some Dude, 420 Forever

Dear Bong Brother

Cactus say, one time, he pour absinthe in his pot and nearly die. Dat why he stop going to parties with Greg Giraldo.

Worried in West Texas

Señor Cactus,

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. He keeps disappearing for hours with no explanation and two days ago I saw him walking out of an apartment complex where his ex lives. I want to confront him, but he always has an answer for me. How can be in strong? Should I break up with him?

Donna, 19, Texas A&M

Dear Texas Mama

Cactus say, of course he cheating on you! He have a dick don’t he? What you got to do is ruin da other girl for him. Get yerself some of dat paint dey put in bank robber dye packs. Ya stick dis in yer vagina. Den have sex with him in da dark. Once his penis is all blue, his ex will never touch him!

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Oct03

Your Fratoscope: October 3, 2010

by tonyd on October 3, 2010 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week: Your friend’s wedding turns out to be a great place to hook up and have sex. As a bonus, the priest is a very gentle lover.

Aries: The stars say get some exercise. Instead of eating fried ice cream, deep frying some sugarless ice cream. Baby steps, Chubs.

Taurus: It turns out, that “true love” you met last year and had a baby with? Yeah, that horoscope was meant for Gemini. We typed them in one sign off. Sorry.

Gemini: Still no luck finding “the one”, huh? Maybe porn is your destiny. You do like the smell of hand cream.

Lemini: This week, you’ll be forced to learn the rules of bowling after being corrected by the lane manager for screaming “Four!” with every ball.

Cancer: This week, you’re gonna get punched for some shit you did. Try not to flinch too early. We don’t want that psycho who will be wailing on you to know that we told you.

Leo: Bad news is, your car gets keyed. The good news is, it says, “I think I love you!”

Virgo: Your campaign to get on the fuck list fails. It turns out, you’re a Fem Bot anyway.

Libra: This week the ghosts of the Wright Brothers appear to you and tell you that you will never be a pilot. When you explain to them that you don’t want to be a pilot, they ask to see some I.D. and then get directions to another house.

Scorpio: The scientist you hire explain that they can clone you, but that you’ll have to wait the 18 years to have sex with yourself. Tough break, pervo.

Sagittarius: The stars say, for God’s sake, just order a cheeseburger. Everyone at the table is hungry and you never order anything else anyway.

Capricorn: Your attempt to “get ahead of the pack” this week works well with job interviews, but fails miserably with Trick or Treating.

Aquarius: Your boss will chew you out at work for something a coworker did. Try not to let it bother you. Your coworker is, deep down, a nice guy and his wife is amazing in the sack.

Pisces: Your research hits a snag when the monster escapes. You really oughta do that shit in a lab instead on your apartment balcony.

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Oct02

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Social Network

by tonyd on October 2, 2010 at 2:35 am

It’s a great movie, bros. Everything you’ve heard, tweeted and posted is true. Mark Zuckerberg has 500 million friends and, according to this movie, is an asshole.

Aaron Sorkin’s script is as tight as Zuckerberg’s Facebook code. The movie follows his inept socializing at Harvard, his genius idea and then how the genius idea may or may not have really been Zuckerberg’s. It’s left to the audience to decide.

Eisenberg is perfect to play Zuckerberg. Neurotic, intense, nerd to the extreme, Sorkin’s script pushes him a little over the top, but its believable. Timberlake as the Nappster founder is pretty awesome as well.

The story is really the story of Facebook and how it came to be. It’s told via flashback during two lawsuits that Zuckerberg had to deal with after the site hit big. This is framed around Zuckerberg’s inability to connect with real people one on one. The site is a metaphor for his distancing of people.

The story is also one of betrayal, friendship, love and how people sometimes really don’t know how to deal with something as big and as crazy as Facebook. Only Timberlake’s character really has the vision to see it and the skill to see it through. The movie is two hours and it just flew by. A great flick that probably deserves an Oscar for best script and best actor.

I give it a 10 out of 10 Keggers. Go see it, bros.

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Oct02

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Town

by tonyd on October 2, 2010 at 2:11 am

Honestly, I didn’t want to like “The Town”. After what Ben Affleck did to Daredevil, it’s hard to forgive, but I have to say it’s a pretty good flick. Affleck stars and directs himself where he is comfortable, in Boston. Other than the BS about Charlestown producing the most bank robbers in the world (a weird claim made during the opening credits that isn’t true), the story is about modern Boston gangsters.

Affleck, trapped in the crime-ridden Charlestown after blowing his chance at major league hockey, turns to crime. He’s smarter than the rest of his cohorts, but eventually comes to the conclusion that he needs to get out. His suicidal gangster buddy won’t be satisfied until everyone is in jail or dead.

The most improbable part is that when the group takes a bank hostage, Affleck then goes to “check” on her, but ends up talking with her and dating her. They fall in love, but later the FBI reveal Affleck’s true colors. Will she turn him in or run away with her? Blake Lively plays the hot ex-girlfriend. Hot!

So it’s a typical gangster story about a very smart gangster. The ending is almost a little too smart for its own good, but still somewhat satisfying. Personally, I’d prefer a more “classic” ending, but you be the judge. Worth seeing. I give The Town 7 keggers out of 10.

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