translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Desperate in Des Moines,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate refuses to do his share of the cleaning chores. I’ve tried everything. He’s left potato chips in the bath tub, he filled the hamper with empty beer cans and he’s left a pile of chicken wing bones on the shelf above his bed for three weeks! It stinks bad! What the Hell do I do with this guy?

Willie, 20, GVU

Dear Midwest Milquetoast

Cactus say, dat pretty much what Mistah Shit had to put up with all through Freshman year. Da frat brothers peed in da sink and Mistah Shit have ta clean it. Da frat brothers vomit in his sock drawer and Mistah Shit have ta clean it. Da frat brothers make sweet love to da DVD player and Mistah Shit have ta throw it away. Then one day, Mistah Shit become a frat brother and a meteor give his bros and da frat house superpowers. Now, there are pledges ta clean things. Da morale is, join a frat and you can pee and vomit and have sex wherever and with whatever you want. I hope dis help you.

Torn in Thousand Oaks, Cali

Great Señor Cactus,

One of my frat brothers is stealing money from the Student Union to spend on drugs. He’s my bro, but I feel what he’s doing is wrong. Please give me advice.

Oscar, 23, USC

Dear Oscar

Cactus say, of course what he is doing is wrong! Yer brother is making da frat and you look bad! Everyone knows dat the Pledgemaster gets 10%, the President 5% and all active brothers an equal share. You sit him down and have a talk so dis never happen again!

High in New Haven

Dude. Cactus.

I am so high right now. I am so fucking high. It’s awesome. Do you ever get high being a plant? If so, can I get high with you?

Some Dude, 420 Forever

Dear Bong Brother

Cactus say, one time, he pour absinthe in his pot and nearly die. Dat why he stop going to parties with Greg Giraldo.

Worried in West Texas

Señor Cactus,

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. He keeps disappearing for hours with no explanation and two days ago I saw him walking out of an apartment complex where his ex lives. I want to confront him, but he always has an answer for me. How can be in strong? Should I break up with him?

Donna, 19, Texas A&M

Dear Texas Mama

Cactus say, of course he cheating on you! He have a dick don’t he? What you got to do is ruin da other girl for him. Get yerself some of dat paint dey put in bank robber dye packs. Ya stick dis in yer vagina. Den have sex with him in da dark. Once his penis is all blue, his ex will never touch him!