Nov20

Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: Jesus Christ Teaches a Religion Class

by tonyd on November 20, 2010 at 12:01 am

This next sketch is also from the 80’s and could probably be produced today. I think it needs a rewrite with some sharper digs at religion, but all the elements are there. The last part really should be a separate sketch, but I just jammed it in as a bonus and as some kind of ending. Jesus is a pretty universal target. Maybe I should end it with a song like this:

Jesus Christ Teaches a Religion Class
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1984

EXT. IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL-DAY

Establishing shot of an academic-looking group of buildings.

JESUS
(voice over)
It was my first day, on my first
job at the university. If you could
have only seen how happy and full of
hope I was! Little did I realize what
ignorant plebes I would encounter
in this, my first religion class.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CLASSROOM-DAY
A GROUP OF TEN STUDENTS, including JAKE and DIRK, two football players, ALLISON and MARK, sit patiently in their seats.

JESUS
(off camera)
This is introduction to Religion,
I’m Professor Christ. If anyone’s
in the wrong class? No? Then I’ll
begin.

Allison raises her hand.

JESUS (CONT’D)
(off camera)
Yes?

ALLISON
Are those, uh, thorns on your head?

ANGLE ON PROFESSOR CHRIST

He is of course, JESUS CHRIST, dressed in a simple robe, sandals and a crown of thorns. He rolls his eyes impatiently.

JESUS
Yes, they’re thorns. My doctor advised
me that it would cause more damage to
remove them. I hardly notice them
anymore, but apparently some people can’t
put aside a handicap.

ALLISON
(feeling guilty)
Sorry.

Jesus begins passing out the syllabus.

JESUS
Don’t take it so hard, at least
you were thinking and questioning.
That’s what I want from all of you
this semester. I think you’ll find
I have a very systematic curriculum.

Mark looks at the syllabus and raises his hand.

MARK
Excuse me. You said this was Intro
to Religion, right?

JESUS
(slightly annoyed)
Yes, I believe so.

MARK
Well, I don’t understand this syllabus.

JESUS
(looks at a syllabus)
Perfectly clear to me. Week one, Matthew,
week two, Mark, week three, Luke, week—

MARK
Yeah, but, why are we doing so much on
the Bible? I mean, you don’t even cover
the Old Testament.

ALLISON
Yeah, it’s all Christianity. What about
the Hindus or the Aztecs?

JAKE
And human sacrifices!

DIRK
Dude!

Jake and Dirk high-five each other.

JESUS
Look! (regains composure) We’re going to
cover a lot of other religions. I merely
skipped the unnecessary ones and saved you
all some time. Look at page two.

MARK
Where?

JESUS
Right there!

MARK
All it says is, “Various pagans
burning in eternal torment”. Are
you a new teacher or something?

JESUS
I have been teaching for years! I
came to this institution because I
thought I would encounter students
with open minds!

ALLISON
Open minds? You’re the one that’s
limiting us to half the Bible.

JESUS
All right, we’ll do the whole Bible!

ALLISON
But I’ve read the Bible already.

JESUS
Look, if you had studied religion as
long as I have you’d realize how unbelievable
the pagan stores are. They’re just—Silly!

MARK
Silly? Isn’t there an Aztec Creation
story? And there’s a Celtic version of
Noah and the ark.

GOLDSTIEN, a student in the back adds his two cents.

GOLDSTEIN
C’mon, the syllabus isn’t written in
stone and it’s not like your the messiah.

JESUS
That’s enough from you, Goldstein!
I am a professor of theology, if you
want to learn something, stay! If not,
drop the class, but I have more important
things to discuss!

JAKE
(realizing)
Hey, I’m in the wrong class.

JESUS
Get out! You inarticulate cretin!

JAKE
Jeez, crucify me why don’t you.

JESUS
Just go!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PROFESSOR CHRIST’S OFFICE-DAY

Jesus is examining various scrolls at his desk.

JESUS
(voice over)
Sadly, most of my other classes gave
me similar resistance. If it hadn’t
been for Hammond, the Mormon student,
I would’ve never gotten through the
day. Unfortunately, my saintly presence
was giving way to a touch disposition.
Even my office provided little sanctuary.

WILL
(from outside office)
Hey, Je`sus, are you busy?

JESUS
No, no, come in.

WILL, the head of the theology department, rolls a rock away from the doorway and comes inside.

WILL
Boy, it’s cold in here! Here,the
secretary took your messages.

JESUS
(takes messages)
Thanks. Hmm. Mary, Mary, Paul,Mary—
Judas? How did he get this number?

WILL
Um, Je`sus, we’ve had a few complaints.
Well, a lot actually.
JESUS
I’m sorry, Will. I may have been a bit
overzealous my first day. I’m from the
old fashioned school. The students here
are, uh— resistant.

WILL
Well, it’s a cross we all have
to bare. If you need anything,
just call.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GARAGE-DAY
Jesus comes out of the garage and shuts the door behind him.

JESUS
(voice over)
Little did I realize, how I would
soon give up my job at the university,
abandoning my career to pursue my dream.
To have my own situation comedy with Bill Bixby!

TIM, played by Bill Bixby, comes running up to Jesus.

TIM
(panicked)
Uncle Je`sus! Mrs. Brown is coming
to check the garage! If she sees your
crucifix, we’re dead!

JESUS
Don’t worry, my boy.

Jesus raises a halo over his head, similar to the way the Martian raised his antennae in “My Favorite Martian”. Jesus disappears.

ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
Join the fun on

KEY: My Favorite Martyr

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
(voice over)
My Favorite Martyr! Weekdays mornings
at ten!

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Nov17

Twitter in Focus: Carrie Fisher

by tonyd on November 17, 2010 at 12:01 am

Hello, bros! And welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is a favorite of mine. I am not a rabid Star Wars fan (although I am a fan), but I am an even bigger fan of Carrie Fisher. Let’s see what Princess Leia is tweeting.

October 5th: “Leaving for Australia to perform my show Wishful Drinking- wearing my fathers pinky ring lugging two packed suitcases-…”

You really ought to make your droids carry them.

October 5th: “Would appreciate any suggestions on BEST place to buy fire opals & soft nitegowns & the BEST way or place to celebrate Halloween down under?”

I don’t know about the first one, but you should probably stock up on Foster’s, shrimp and barbies.

October 5th: “… also I’ve been eating a lot of bacon since my fathers passing. It must be my unique way of grieving.”

Sorry to hear that. If you like bacon, here’s a bacon song that always cheers me up.

October 19th: “Had my first show in Sydney last night……AWESOME audience! They liked me! They really liked me! But more to the point, I LOVED them!”

Any shouts of, “Do Angela’s voice! Do Angela’s voice!”

October 19th: “My hope is that tonight’s assemblage is as good!”

Look at you doing all these shows. Yeah, performing is way better than writing sometimes.

October 19th: “I do my last show as a 53 year old tonight! Spending my last minutes of 53 as an Australian spectacle……”

You’re 53? Really? Holdin’ up nice.

October 19th: “up to very little or all good down under……. Yours very truly, Lubby Marfubble Soup McFuckler……”

I don’t know what that means, but it made me laugh.

October 21st: “Thank you guys so much for helping me turn 54. I couldn’t have done it alone. I don’t look a day over 53.”

C’mon, you look good. Besides, it must be refreshing to see guys look you in the eye once in a while.

October 28th: “I’m no good at this self promo shit- they want me to tell you- they have released the last remaining tickets to come see me at the Athenaeum”

I think if you curse alot, you’ll be fine. You’re one of those people that’s funny to watch curse. You seethe with actual anger, but you kinda look small and harmless. I think that’s why they cast you in the Blues Brothers movie.

October 28th: “The extra shows are tonight, tomorrow and Saturday at 8 pm- the last remaining tickets are priced at $60…”

The fucking tickets. Remember. Funny.

November 6th: “In Adelaide to perform Wishful Drinking- in the mean time I’m watching a show on Hitler’s bodyguard- bliss(ish)”

Hey, you’d probably like Hipster Hitler. It’s a really funny webcomic.

November 6th: “I promise this is the last time i do this… Please come see me in Wishful Drinking in Adelaide & Perth- I’d be so grateful- otherwise…”

Yeah, I used to feel bad about self promoting on my Twitter. Then I just decided to stop…feeling bad.

November 6th: “They’ll make me do even more publicity then the to much they already have & then we’ll all be as sick of me in Australia as I’m getting 2b”

Don’t worry, they’re Aussies. They’ll forget everything once they sober up.

November 10th: “What the fuck has Obama done so far? http://www.whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/”

Yeah, sadly the opposite website is just too depressing to build.

Okay, let’s rate Carrie’s tweets. A little self-promoting, but not too much and she had the right amount of humility about it. So for Insanity, I give her a 7, Mustness I give her an 8, but for Style, that’s an easy 10. That’s an overall score of 8.3. You gotta follow Carrie, how could you not? This is the Twitter you’re looking for. And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Nov14

Your Fratoscope: November 14, 2010

by tonyd on November 14, 2010 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week: Your Civil War reenactment will get out of hand after the Confederates spot a barista in Starbucks that resembles Abe Lincoln.

Aries: The monster you built from reanimated corpses will ask to leave your Rocky Horror Picture Show party early. It will be deeply offended by the movie and spend the rest of the week asking you, “Is that how you see me?!”

Taurus: Make a left. No, I mean right! Right! Right!

Gemini: Sting will come to your house and tell you the lyric, “If you love someone set them free” doesn’t really apply to you because you’re annoying.

Lemini: A bike accident will leave you missing a testicles. This will be bad news for your Organ Bike Messenger Service.

Cancer: Porn jumps the shark for you on Thursday, say the stars. Looks like you bought that six pack of hand lotion for nothing.

Virgo: This week, you’ll barbecue a dirty sock you found in the trash. Maybe you should refill that medication ahead of time.

Libra: You’ll get into a fight with a one-legged man and lose. In your defense, he does manage to wrestle the gun out of your hand.

Scorpio: The stars say, stop practicing sex therapy without a license. And just because you’ll fuck a couple doesn’t necessarily make you a therapist.

Sagittarius: Your car breaks down in a very bad neighborhood. Everyone there looks exactly like Kevin Smith and won’t stop talking about Star Wars.

Capricorn: You will piss yourself laughing at the next DVD movie you watch. Unfortunately, you ruin your friend’s couch and should you really be laughing at Schindler’s List?

Aquarius: This week, you’ll pwn former Vice President Gore on XBox live. He will call you a “little bitch”.

Pisces: The stars say, just because you pee in the sink doesn’t mean you can take a dump there too.

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Nov13

Frat Boy At the Movies: Hereafter

by tonyd on November 13, 2010 at 2:43 am

Hereafter stars Matt Damon as a retired psychic that has given up using his gift to help people and Cécile De France as a newscaster whose brush with death tunes her into the same kind of power. Clint Eastwood has become quite an amazing director, but be warned, this is Eastwood’s French film. That means, it’s long, slow and very talky. There is a killer opening, very exciting, but things quickly grind to cruising speed until the third act.

(Spoilers)
Damon is a former psychic who doesn’t want to use his gift, but his brother (played by Jay Mohr— Wait a minute, Jay Mohr? How’d he’d get into a Clint Eastwood movie? Man, I want his agent.) wants him to use his power for money. Meanwhile in Europe, a French newscaster has a near death experience that she can’t shake. In England, a boy dies and his twin brother can’t accept his death.

It all eventually comes together, but it takes what feels like forever. Ultimately, the movie is really about a psychic coming to terms with his powers. Eastwood fills us in on all the details of the three main characters. It’s vivid, but slow. (Did I mention it was slow?) The cinematography is pretty breathtaking.

If you’re like me and you need a vampire or robot beating the crap out of each other in every reel, you’ll probably be bored out of your mind except during the opening. The movie kind of sucks you in with the opening, then burns up all its cred and just when you’re ready to take a nap or leave, finally the main characters come together. Even if you do think its boring, you have to acknowledge the craft here. The movie is visual, the characters are real and the story is about people.

I’m a bit torn by the movie. I preferred most of Eastwood’s other films. I thought Invictus was amazing and I don’t like sports movies. Unforgiven is one of my favorites and Gran Torino was a great movie for him to go out on as an actor. I guess I could’ve done with some more special effects or psychic stuff. It just felt like forever until the characters met and I don’t know if their journey was all that interesting.

Still, it has so much to offer. I would say it’s definitely a rental and if you want something more laid back with a European feel, you’ll like it. I give it a 6.5 out of 10 keggers.

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