If your birthday is this week: Good news, Obama’s tax plan is likely to pass. Unfortunately, all the Republicans and Democrats could agree on was that your individual taxes would go up. Hope you’ve had a few trillion in taxable income last year.

Aries: Your low budget porn movie is panned at the Sundance Film Festival. Mainly because you’re the only one in it.

Taurus: The stars say, start eating healthier. It’s not normally to be sweating spreadable cheese, especially if it tastes like chives.

Gemini: Your house party is a huge hit, but it turns into a surprise party when the owners come back a night early.

Lemini: You will be in a car accident. Well, technically the accident you have is in your pants, you just happen to be in the car driving at the time.

Cancer: A picture is worth a thousand words, but those naked pictures of Christina Aquilera you leaked, were worth a lot more.

Leo: Stop saying, “Word to your mother”. It’s over. Seriously.

Virgo: You will appear in a political cartoon this week. That’s no surprise, considering you’re a 300 pound cat that wears a suit, top hat and monocle and carries around a bag of money with a dollar sign.

Libra: Your friend will post an embarrassing picture of you on Facebook. Take it in stride. Most people don’t look very good after going on a Meth bender anyway.

Scorpio: The stars say, having sex with your doorman is still not a tip.

Sagittarius: Your idea to put your significant other in a short story for a class backfires after you break up and then have to read the story in front of the class. The good news? Your professor feels so back he made you cry, you get a “B” for your shitty story.

Capricorn: Cut the blue wire. The blue— No wait, green.

Aquarius: Your car will break down on a lonesome road and you’ll be sexually molested by backwood country folk. The upside is, no damage to the car. You just ran out of gas.

Pisces: Good news! Your Christmas shopping is done this week! The bad news is, it’s because you have no family and friends.