If your birthday is this week: Your week will be full of awesome. Everywhere you go, there will be free pizza and lottery tickets. On Wednesday, it will rain ice cream and strippers.
Aries: This week, your bachelor party gets a little out of hand. You will wake up wearing colonel uniform and a Lionel Richie wig on a plane bound for Libya.
Taurus: On Wednesday, your car will skid out of control on a patch of mint chocolate chip, fortunately a pile of half naked women cushions your car during the crash.
Gemini: Your lawyer may not have your best interests at heart. Maybe you should discuss it with him after you call your wife from jail and he answers.
Lemini: You gain a new appreciation for respecting your parents’ space after walking in on their Swinger party.
Cancer: The stars say, find a new bakery. The jimmies on your cupcake are moving.
Leo: You will watch a marathon of Beyond Scared Straight while eating a record five bags of Doritos. Your hands will be orange for a week.
Virgo: You will vomit on a clown.
Libra: Your attempt to sneak alcohol into church works, but later backfires, as that loosens you up for the priest.
Scorpio: This week, you’ll cover a slip and slide with sex lube. It will be a blast for you and your dorm mates until someone asks, why the Hell do you have 25 tubes of anal lube in your room.
Sagittarius: You’ll think someone changed all the keys on your keyboard to Y’s, but it turns out you’re just really, really high.
Capricorn: You will take an awesome shit.
Aquarius: The stars say, that fart you lay on the bus will bring tears to everyone’s eyes. It will be the most beautiful sound you will ever make.
Pisces: This week, you will play video games and eat sushi. For no discernible reason, you website will get a million hits. Maybe it’s because you finally stopped mentioned Charlie Sheen in your po— Ah, dammit!
