If your birthday is this week:   A prostitute will reveal that you’re the only person she’s ever met with a Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers fetish, you sick, sick puppy.

Aries:   You will be offered a job getting high and playing video games, but will oversleep for the interview and not get the job.

Taurus:   Good news!   Your boss will be out sick all this week and you’ll get twice as much goofing off done.

Gemini:   This week, the cops will come to your house with a detailed list of who is out to get you.  Don’t trust them.

Lemini:   The stars say don’t stop the car now, you’re almost through the crowd.

Cancer:   You will share a beer with Dennis Leary, but when you admit you’ve never seen his FX show, he’ll break the bottle and threaten you with the jagged neck.  Just lie like everyone else.

Leo:   The porridge you try will be too hot.  Plus, you’ll notice that it is full of bear fur.  Maybe you should break into strange houses in the woods.

Virgo:   The stars say, you’ll eat some chicken and that’s pretty much it.  Maybe it’s time to get a hobby or a girlfriend or a life.  Nah, you’re probably right.

Libra:    Your best friend will hit you right in the throat with a Frisbee and then apologize and laugh while you are rolling around gasping for air.   Keep gasping for about 30 seconds and he should be in range to punch in the nads.

Scorpio:   This week, you’ll bring back the wrong gimp from the Sex Club.  Embarrassing!

Sagittarius:  You’ll go on a trip with a mysterious stranger.  Well, technically, you’ll be kidnapped, but the other way sounds much better.

Capricorn:    Avoid wood this week.  Seriously, don’t question it.

Aquarius:    Your minions have grown tired of your skull-shaped mountain fortress.  You should either begin taking over the world or let them unionize.

Pisces:   Your attempt to order tiny pizzas as a topping on your larger pizza will backfire when the pizzaman throws out his back trying to carry your dinner up your driveway.