Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is a media giant and a true patriot. He makes Captain America looks like Commie Bin Hitler. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Colbert’s Twitter!

March 9th:  “Millions of dead anchovies have washed up in California. I guess the ocean can’t stand the taste of them either.”

Shh!  No one tell Papa John.

March 9th:  “Now that I’m Jewish, most of my self-confidence is based on how good I am at doubting myself.”

Does this mean you’ll have to confess to yourself?

March 9th:  “If I was a Supreme Court Justice, I’d take all the buffet’s individually-wrapped butters. I answer to no manager!”

Man, you are really cranking out the tweets, Stephen.  Kudos to you, sir!

March 9th:   “Congressman Weiner had better watch his step, or in 20 years Justice Thomas’s wife will be calling him asking for an apology.”

Watch your step, Stephen, I hear Weiner has an “in” with your old boss.

March 9th:  “I’m glad “The Social Animal” isn’t about chimpanzees in top hats and monocles. Because they make terrible cocktail party dates.”

Unless you’re planning for the night to end in a feces fling.  It’s kind of like a hay ride for monkeys.

March 10th:  “Oil prices reached $106 a barrel on Monday – now how am I supposed to afford my slip and slide?”

Man, that would really kill your grass.

March 10th:  “If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning. But honestly, by evening, I’d probably move onto something like sawing.”

But you’d still do it all over this land, right?

March 10th:  “Next time Newt Gingrich visits New York, we might need to wipe down the Statue of Liberty.”

Zing!  Political humor!

March 10th:  “Newt Gingrich wrote the Contract With America. Based on his infidelities, he better also have a prenup With America.”

Damn.  What this, all the jokes that didn’t make it into the show?  You’re a machine!  Or your writing staff is.

March 10th:  “When those big doors part at Tim Pawlenty’s approach, it’s like Moses entering a department store!”

Excuse me, I have to clean up a spittake now.

March 10th:  “The Tenn. ban on shariah will stop terrorism at the source, provided terrorists only want to destroy America within the bounds of Tenn. law”

Yeah, that’s just the perfect place to start.  If you started with Michigan, no one would notice.

March 10th:  “Scott Walker took down the unions! Wisconsin’s budget problem is fixed! Now on to the part of the deficit caused by gay marriage.”

Wisconsin is so mad at Walker, by the time they’re done, you won’t even be able to see Walker Texas Ranger within their borders.

March 11th:  “The lucky numbers on my last few fortune cookies have been way off. Get it together, China!”

That’s because you have to adjust for being in different luck zones.

March 21st:  “Haven’t tweeted in a week, but I feel grea…^&lwe;owgahhh! I was over confident, pulled a tweet muscle!! Knew I should’ve stretched!”

Seriously.  Give the intern typing this time to get back in the swing of things.

March 21st:  “Tonight, Steve Martin plays a track from his new album “Rare Bird Alert.” Bluegrass-loving ornithologists, set your Tivos now!”

Will funny Steve Martin ever be a guest?

March 21st:  “It’s Twitter’s fifth birthday! I have so many good wishes for them that I’d write right here if only I had more a good deal more characters.”

Five solid years of everyone telling strangers what sandwich they’re eating.

23 hours ago:  “In addition to my portrait, I’m also putting Steve Martin’s banjo up for auction. Don’t tell him I stole his banjo.”

Good, maybe he’ll go back to stand up when he can’t find it.

12 hours ago:  “Public service announcements are socialist. You want information about tainted water supplies? Earn it!”

Better yet, privatize the announcements!  Way more efficient to hear it from a source like McDonald’s.

25 minutes ago:  “Whoever wins my portrait auction better pay promptly or else they won’t get an “A++++++ sUPeR Gr8 bUyER!! A+++++++!!” rating from me.”

Dammit.  I’m one of the underemployed.  All I could afford was a John Oliver picture that had been defaced by a homeless guy.  The good news is, he said he was an artist too.

Okay, let’s rate Stephen’s Tweets.  Relentless.  Funny.  Professional.  I mean, this is a sleek tweet.  Style is  a 10, Insanity a 10 and Mustness also a 10.  How can I not give Stephen Colbert the perfect tweet score?  No wonder he is the King of Twitter!  And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.