translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo
And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!
Rodent Roomie,
Dear Señor Cactus,
My roommate has a ferret and he won’t stop talking about it. He’s constantly asking me to look out for it and feed it and check on it. It’s driving me crazy. What’s the penalty for ferreticide?
Sincerely,
John R., Virginia Tech
Dear Ferret Hater
Cactus say, on your campus, whatever you do, don’t threaten to shoot it. He also remind you dat rodents in cages are fun, friendly pets, but rodents in your living space are vermin. Maybe drop some peanut butter on your roommate’s nads while he’s asleep and a ferret bite will take care of the situation for ya!
Nervous in Nebraska
Mr. Cactus,
My boyfriend had a bad break up with a long time ex, but he remained friends with her. I recently found out by checking his browser that he emails her almost on a daily basis! I confronted him. He says it’s “no big deal” but I say it’s too intimate! Should I dump him?
Dora, 20, U of N
Dear Dora the Explorer Explorer
Cactus say, da problem is yer not bonin’ yer man enough! You think he’d be on the Internet arrangin’ somethin’ on da side if he couldn’t see straight from all the constant orgasms? Let him bone ya three, four, five times a day. Then see if he ever remember dat bitch’s name.
Butt Master
Señor Cactus:
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Signed,
Some Dude
Dear Dude
Cactus say, sure you can! Next time you wake up with a chick dat look like this, Cactus bet you suddenly don’t remember yer phone number.
Bored in Birmingham
Hey Señor Cactus,
I love my girlfriend, but I’m just so bored with our relationship. We don’t do anything and our conversations just drift into silence. It’s like I spend all day coming up with excuses to duck her. I love her, but I can’t take much more. Help.
A.J., 19, BSU
Dear Bored Hillbilly
Cactus say, da secret to life is to realize dat everyone is boring! Why do ya think everyone get drunk and high all da time? Because who could stand life sober? Cactus and Mistah Shit say, it time to buy some chronic and keep smokin’ until she interesting! And hey, you probably bore da shit out of her too! So make sure you get da right bong!
And if you have a question for Señor Cactus email us here!
