If your birthday is this week:  The roaches in your apartment will finally begin to die.  Looks like that pizza you dropped behind the couch is finally gone.

Aries:  This week, you’ll break up with your girlfriend and realize that Chelsea Lately isn’t funny.

Taurus:  You will accidentally stab yourself in the leg with a pair of scissors, but with the money you have to put in the swear jar, you can easily afford a new pair of pants.

Gemini:  You will eat an unusually delicious breakfast sandwich from fast food restaurant and then get nothing but fried crap in a bag every time you go back after that.

Lemini:  You will blow off a third finger lighting fireworks.  It will never happen again, as you will no longer have enough fingers to ignite your lighter.

Cancer:  Your dog will leave you for another master assuring you that it’s not you, it’s him.

Leo:  This week those “fresh picked blueberries” you found hatch.

Virgo:  You will have an erotic dream about a Talking Elmo doll.

Libra:  The stars say, gambling is big for you this week, so buy a lottery ticket, play some poker and invest your money in Greece.

Scorpio:  Your gimp’s birthday party will degenerate into an orgy as planned.

Sagittarius The stars say, your novel is a piece of shit.  It’s time to pursue your true passion, being a book critic and destroying everyone else’s hopes and dreams.

Capricorn:  You’ll watch a TV show you don’t normally watch and it will be the episode you saw before.

Aquarius:  Your dreams of space flight will nearly be realized this week when your car explodes at the top of the mountain.

Pisces:  The stars say, that smell?  It is you.