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Nov18

Rewritten Headlines: Occupy Wall Street to Regis Philbin

by tonyd on November 18, 2011 at 12:01 am

News is like meth. A little is bad, but too much is really bad. And like meth, Tony D has made it better with Rewritten Headlines!

Real: Authorities Foil NY Protest Bid to Shut Wall Street

Rewritten: Hipsters to Return to Coffee Shops More Annoyed Than Ever

Real: Panetta: Strike on Iran Could Hurt World Economy

Rewritten: Panetta:  World War 3, Probably Bad Idea

Real: Congress OKs Bill Averting Government Shutdown

Rewritten: Congress Narrowly Averts Destroying America Again

Real: Sexually Spread Disease Up in US Last Year, Especially Chlamydia; Syphilis Rate Drops

Rewritten: US Men Become More Picky When Choosing Whores

Real: Skype Announces Facebook-to-Facebook Calling

Rewritten: Facebook To Get More Annoying

Real: Philbin Starts to Wrap Things Up as Tenure on “Live” Nears an End

Rewritten: Regis Slowly Realizing His Own Irrelevance

└ Tags: America, Chlamydia, comedy, Congress, facebook, funny, humor, Iran, News, Occupy Wall Street, Panetta, politics, protesters, Regis Philbin, Rewritten Headlines, Skype, STDs, Super Frat, Syphilis, Tony DiGerolamo
1 Comment
Nov16

Twitter in Focus: Kurt Sutter

by tonyd on November 16, 2011 at 4:03 am

Hey Bros.

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Oh, I’m psyched for this week’s twitterer, it’s Kurt Sutter, creator of one of my favorite shows, The Sons of Anarchy.  The show is getting very intense if you haven’t been watching.  (I think they are going to kill off Ron Perlman’s character.)  Let’s see what Kurt is tweeting.

@sutterink

November 13th:  “Spending the day with my amazing wife @kateylous. #LUCKYMAN”

Wow, you are married to both Gemma and Leela.  Unfortunately, you’re also married to Peg, but two out of three.

November 14th:  “Choosing music for episodes 413 414. Maybe my favorite part of the job.”

That sounds like fun.  The S.O.A. soundtrack would have to rock.

November 14th:  “I always get uptight when episodes score big with fans & critics (410). Feel like I’m getting se up for the next episode being “less than”.”

Nah.  Let the haters hate.  Who cares?  I was just watching the show tonight.  I don’t know how you’re going to avoid killing most or all of the cast by the end of this season.

November 14th:  “@DavidHasselhoff can you say EL HOFFO?”

And you’re friends with the Hoff, who apparently has created a new superhero persona for himself.

November 14th:  “Didn’t know the HUNGER GAMES was about actual hunger games. Thought it was a metaphor. Seems less interesting now. TWILIGHT with evil sports”

Yeah, why are people going so crazy for that movie?

15 hours ago:  “I was thinking of turning over my twitter feed to a PR firm to improve my tarnished Emmy profile, but none of those cunts would take the job”

Plus legally, no one in PR can use the word “cunt”.

15 hours ago:  “Do not miss CALL OF DUTY tonight. 90 minutes of explosive fun. My homage to gaming and once again we say GOODBYE to a member of SAMCRO.”

That was messed up.  Do you feel bad when you kill off an actor’s character?

15 hours ago:  “I called Ashton to recommend a good PR firm, he’s using NAMBLA & Assoc. They’re based in PA, just south of Reason, 100 miles from Decency.”

Whoa!  Boo-yah!  Take that Penn State!  I was just reading about the case too.  It is majorly fucked up.  This missing D.A. is just another crazy element.

13 hours ago:  “I love DL. He’s a man full of vigorous determination and genuine gratitude. http://collider.com/david-labrava-sons-of-anarchy-interview/126503/”

Awesome.  His character’s still alive, right?  He could come back and save things at the end.

7 hours:  “@SashaGrey you can read to my kids anytime. My daughter loves anal-themed stories. “Everyone Poops” is her favorite. tmz.com/2011/11/15/sch…”

You are living the life, bro.  Hobnobbing with the stars.

4 hours ago:  “The day I write a show where every episode pleases every critic is the day I turn in my originality card. My mind, … http://say.ly/TAU105T”

It’s jealousy.  Nuthin’ but jealousy.  This wish they had your life.  I wish I had your life.

Okay, let’s rate Kurt’s tweets.  Kurt’s a genuine guy.  I give him a 9 for Style, definitely crazy for saying some of this shit, so 9 for Insanity and he’s on here a bunch giving the kind of behind-the-scenes stuff I like, so 10 for Mustness.  That’s a 9.3.  Very high.  Gotta follow Kurt and watch the Sons of Anarchy if you haven’t.  It’s full of awesome.

└ Tags: bikers, FX, Gemma, Katy Sagal, Kurt Sutter, Leela, Peg, Ron Perlman, social media, Sons of Anarchy, Super Frat, televsion, Tony DiGerolamo, tweet, Twitter, Twitter in Focus
3 Comments
Nov14

Frat Boy At the Movies: Melancholia

by tonyd on November 14, 2011 at 12:01 am

There are several things that I would warn the world about if I had the power to do so: the coming of the next Black Plague, the rise of evil sentient machines in the not-too-distant future and the movie, Melancholia.  It’s rare that I watch a movie and say “What the fuck?” as an internal monologue over and over again.  The film is 135 minutes of agonizing, pretentiousness that is so epically arrogant, one wonders what the actors must’ve been saying to themselves while they were shooting this arthouse shit explosion.

The basic premise is actually pretty cool.  A woman, Kirsten Dunst, is having her wedding, but a newly discovered planet is going to hit the Earth and wipe out all life as we know it.  Dunst plays a hopelessly depressed bride, who when faced with humanity’s extinction is still kind of a bitch, but pulls it together while the rest of her family falls apart.  Unfortunately, my summary is way more coherent than the execution.

For starters, director Lars Von Trier treats viewers to an opening of slow motion imagery that lasts for minutes that seem like hours.  Then, we’re launching into the wedding where the actors were seemingly left to try an improv their way out of the movie.  Kiefer Sutherland is the brother-in-law who spends a fortune on the wedding and seems to be one of the few people trying to act.  John Hurt plays the bride’s dad, does his scatteredbrain Englishman bit and gets lost quick.  Alexander Skarsgard (Eric from True Blood) is the confused groom.

Shifts in mood, scenes that go nowhere, random dialogue and a mish-mash of slow motion imagery makes up most of the movie.  Not even Kirsten’s naked boobies can help.  You’re left wondering, “What is wrong with these people?”  and then “What is wrong with these people who made the movie?”   There’s actually a scene where Kirsten pisses in the middle of a golf course for no reason.  Was that a metaphor for the director pissing on his audience with this cinematic golden shower?  Never before will an audience cheer so satisfactorily as when all life is finally extinguished and the movie ends.

If you want to know the brain behind this movie, take a look at this strange Q&A Von Trier did at Cannes.  At least you won’t be watching the movie.

I give Melancholia (Seriously?  You name the planet that’s going to hit the Earth, Melancholia and it’s about depressing fucking people?  Seriously?) 1 out of 10 keggers.  You’ve been warned, bros.

└ Tags: Alexander Skarsgard, arthouse, bad, cinema, critic, critique, film, Frat Boy at the Movies, John Hurt, Kiefer Sutherland, Kirsten Dunst, Lars Von Trier, Melancholia, movie, rating, review, Tony DiGerolamo
2 Comments
Nov13

Your Fratoscope: November 13, 2011

by tonyd on November 13, 2011 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:   Your cellphone will text you the message, “I think we need to see other people.”

Aries:   You will be kidnapped by aliens.  When they go to anal probe you, they’ll get so disgusted that they’ll decide to let you go.  But they will warn you that if your hygiene doesn’t improve, they will vaporize the Earth.

Taurus:  You will shart in the middle of a very fancy play.  Fortunately, you’re not in the audience when it happens.  Unfortunately, you are on stage wearing tights at the time.

Gemini:    The stars say, you’ll win the lottery.  Suddenly, living in a tent in Zuccotti Park will lose its allure.

Lemini :    Your doctor will find that you have an advanced case of cooties.

Cancer:   This week, your waiter will find himself so attracted to you that he’ll offer to take his tips in handjobs instead of money.

Leo:   You and the rest of the members of your local NRA chapter will be robbed by a man carrying a bazooka.

Virgo:    Your webcomic about talking nipples will be a huge success.

Libra:    The stars say, everyone in the supermarket is plotting to kill you.  Probably because they know you have schizophrenia.

Scorpio:   Once again, you’ll ask yourself this week, “Why can’t anyone seem to make a quality anal plug?”

Sagittarius:   You baker tells you to start getting some exercise, but you won’t be able to hear him over the sound of your own wheezing.

Capricorn:    The robot you build becomes sentient and demands a healthcare plan.

Aquarius:    Your Risk game gets out of hand and you accidentally invade Belgium.

Pisces:  Your attempt at tagging a Jackson Pollock painting goes unnoticed.

└ Tags: Aquarius, Aries, astrology, Cancer, Capricorn, comedy, frat boy, funny, Gemini, horoscope, humor, Lemini, Leo, Libra, parody, Pisces, prediction, psychic, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Super Frat, Taurus, Tony DiGerolamo, Virgo, Your Fratoscope, zodiac
1 Comment
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