If your birthday is this week: Frosty the Snowman will come to life in your front yard and make sweet love to your blow up Santa doll.

Aries:  You’ll realize that you’ve held out too long in blackmailing Herman Cain.  Instead of money, all you get are expired pizza coupons.

Taurus:  This week, you petition to have your landlord declared an “enemy combatant” will be denied, but a drone strike will take out his 2005 gray Hyundai Accent.

Gemini:  As usual, you will lose at solitaire even after cheating.

Lemini:  They will name a new Pokemon creature after you called “Assholasaur”.

Cancer:  It might be time to stop playing Batman: Arkham City.  You haven’t been to work since October.

Leo:  The stars say, your iTunes account is full of crappy music.  Put your God damned headphones on.

Virgo:  You will have an unusually erotic prostate exam this week.

Libra:  Your invention will go berserk and kill your potential investor.  Fortunately, he’s carrying a lot of cash in his wallet.

Scorpio:  You will spot yourself on the cover of a porn DVD called “Drunken Hoe Bag Orgy”.  For only $9.95, you’ll finally find out what happened that night you blacked out from drinking Tequila.

Sagittarius:  This week, the bank will start show your house to potential buyers.  One of them will point out that mortgage check you forgot to mail.

Capricorn:  You will be a guest on a talk show hosted by a dog.  The show’s entertaining, but your responses will be a little ruff.

Aquarius:  You will be beaten by a group of skinny, chain-smoking Emo kids.  Maybe it’s time to start working out again.

Pisces:  Your bagel and lox platter will be delicious, but the waiter still prefers a money tip rather that attempting to sing a musical number in the diner.