My name is Tony D and since I can’t be on the news, I rewrite it.  This is a Rewritten News update.  News that cuts to the chase!

Real: Oh, for the Good Old Days of Rude Cellphone Gabbers

Rewritten: People Can be Bigger A-holes Using SIRI

Real: Facebook to Hire Thousands: Opens NYC Office

Rewritten: Narcissism Still a Growing Field

Real: Scarlett Johansson Opens Up About Marriage to Ryan Reynolds

Rewritten: Super Frat Blog Finds Thin Excuse to Post Scarlett Johansson’s Picture

Real: Donald Trump Says Yes, He’ll Moderate a Republican Debate

Rewritten: Trump Putting Together the Most Boring Pay-Per-View Special Ever

Real: Jobless Rate Drops to Lowest in Two Years

Rewritten: Unemployed Starving to Death in More Significant Numbers

Real: Astronomers Discover 18 New Planets— And They’re Huge

Rewritten: Astronomers Find Way to Geek Up Dick Measuring Contests