Jan02

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on January 2, 2012 at 12:01 am


translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Flat Chested in Florida,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My boyfriend of two years is great except that he always complains about my small breasts.  When I confront him about it, he says he doesn’t want me to get a boob job, it’s just that I “look” like I should have bigger boobs.  Is he sending me a message?

Sincerely,

Cindi I., U of M

Dear Tiny Tits

Cactus say, are you deaf?  Of course he wants you ta get a boob job!  The nuanced message yer boyfriend say is, “Can you pay for it?”  Consider it an investment.  After you’re big up top, it will be like your boyfriend is dating a completely different woman!  And at least this way when you break up, you won’t blame it on your boobs!

Dressed for Something

Señor Cactus:

Dude, I am watching New Year’s and Kathy Griffin is getting naked.  I think I should get naked too, but I’m in even worse shape.  Can you tell me what to do?

Signed,
I’m Really High Right Now

Dear Mr. Now

Cactus say, you must be really high to be able to stand watching Kathy Griffin naked.  So yeah, get as naked as ya want, mon!  You won’t care!

Angry in Anderson

Hey Señor Cactus,

Santa didn’t give me shit this year!  I was good!  I stopped myself from punching the fuck out of my asshole roommate or people in general.  Why the fuck didn’t I get anything?  HUH?!

Kyle, 18, Anderson, NC

Dear Angry Southerner

Cactus say, he apologizes.  Mistah and he leave Santa a bong out for Christmas.  Not only did he eat all our fucking cookies, he’s been living on da couch ever since!  Our bad!

Dan Does His Friend

Mr. Cactus,

A good friend of mine and me had sex the other night.  Now things are really awkward between us.  I think the friendship is over, but the sex was so amazing!  Any advice?

Dan, 21, Rutgers Camden

Dear Friend Fucker

Cactus say, da answer is simple.  You gotta man up, apologize and repair dat friendship.  It’s the only way she gonna trust you enough so you can have sex again!

And if you have a question for Señor Cactus email us here!

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment
Jan01

Your New Year’s Day Fratoscope 2012

by tonyd on January 1, 2012 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  You New Year’s Eve Party will be a huge success to anyone who enjoys spending New Year’s with stuffed animals and cats.

Aries:  You will make several New Year’s Eve resolutions, most of which you’ll break about half way through the countdown.

Taurus:  This week, Santa Claus will come running into your house demanding to know if you opened a gift he meant to leave for Kim Jong Un.

Gemini:  The stars say your Dilbert calendar will run out and you’ll have no replacement.  Your welcome.

Lemini:  You will discover that you are the Spawn of Satan, destined to destroy the world.  Unfortunately, like all kids of famous dads, you just end up in rehab.

Cancer:  You new landscaper, Glenn Beck, will do a horrible job on your azaleas.

Leo: You might want to find another broker, he keeps advising you that he’s “bullish on lapdances“.

Virgo:  This week, Rick Santorum will give a speech on your porch to your cat.  He’ll call it the biggest turnout ever.

Libra:  After a six hour video game binge, Xbox will flash the words, “Maybe we should see other people for a while.  Seriously, let’s take a break.”

Scorpio: You will recognize the penis being shoved through the glory hole of your bathroom stall.  Maybe next time, don’t spend New Year’s with your old college professors.

Sagittarius:  You will discover that your champagne wishes and caviar dreams are actually made up of Sprite and white albacore.

Capricorn:   You will discover that you’re not being haunted by Dick Clark’s ghost, he’s just trapped in your closet.

Aquarius:   Even your friends at your Jedi-themed New Year’s party will think it’s too nerdy.

Pisces:  You’ll discover that eating two gallons of ice cream at New Year’s doesn’t stop your heart, but it will make you projectile vomit for the next four hours.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment
Dec31

Rewritten Headlines: Boeing to Kim Kardashian

by tonyd on December 31, 2011 at 12:01 am

Time for the news, not the way it is, but the way it should be.  Short, crisp, precise and tactless.  This is Rewritten Headlines!

Real: Boeing Wins $3.48 Billion U.S. Missile Defense Contract

Rewritten: U.S. Prepares to Bomb the Shit Out of Somebody

Real: Romney Hones Economy Pitch

Rewritten: Presidential Candidate Rehearses Lies

Real: SETI to Scour Moon for Alien Footprints

Rewritten: Science Nerds Watching Too Much of Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Real: Columbus Voyage Tied to Syphilis Spread

Rewritten: Columbus Really Fucked the Indians

Real: Verizon Ditches $2 Fee After Customer Uproar

Rewritten: Convenience Fee Not So Convenient For Verizon

Real: N. Korea Names Kim Jong Un Supreme Commander

Rewritten: World’s Most Spoiled Rich Kid Now Firmly In Charge of Nukes

Real: Kim K. gets $600K for New Year’s Eve Gig

Rewritten: Big Tits Gets Big Paycheck

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comments Off on Rewritten Headlines: Boeing to Kim Kardashian
Dec30

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

by tonyd on December 30, 2011 at 12:01 am

Based on the book and the film of the same name, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is part mystery/thriller and part character study.  Lisbeth is a punk rock girl with a tortured past and a knack for uncovering secrets, while Mikel is a disgraced journalist.  Together, they get tied up in uncovering the disappearance of a young girl over three decades ago.  Her uncle (Christopher Plummer) is convinced it is a member of his own extended family that committed the murder.  (Steven Berkoff, an actor that has played a long litany of bad guys, including the one in Beverly Hills Cop, plays Plummer’s lawyer.)

Daniel Craig (as Mikel) finally gets a role where he can do something other than punch bad guys and look handsome, but it’s Rooney Mara as the intense and unstable Lisbeth that steals the show.  She is a complex character that faces enormous obstacles, but uses her quiet genius to overcome them.  David Fincher provides the look, including a most amazing opening sequence and Trent Reznor provides the soundtrack.  Serial murder, lesbians and lots of boobies, bros.  What more can you ask?  If this movie was any more visceral, it would bleed.

Some critics have called the plot too conventional.  It does feel a bit like a TV movie at times, but the performances are pretty high brow and there are some clever twists.  Ultimately, it’s the movie format that gives things away.  You can always sense the guilty party when you realize that there are no other name actors or actresses on the screen.  Still, I found Mara’s performance compelling and although the movie felt a little long at two and half hours, I enjoyed it immensely.

I give The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo 9 out of 10 keggers.  Go see it bros, but go to the bathroom before it starts.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment