Hey, bros!  Back with the Rewritten News.  I don’t know what happened.  I posted it last night and it didn’t appear, so I just wrote another.  Enjoy!

RealMarijuana Users Twice As Likely To Cause Car Crash

Rewritten:  Potheads Terrible At Balancing Bong on Dash

Real: The Himalayas and Nearby Peaks Have Lost No Ice in the Last Ten Years

Rewritten: Mountains Still Cold, Coors Still Safe

RealTiger Woods Gathers Momentum on Opening Round of PGA Tour

Rewritten: Tiger Woods Looking to Impress Hot Chicks Again

Real: iPad 3 Rumors Solidify Around Release Window, But Not Features

Rewritten: Hipsters Poised to Throw Away iPad 2’s

Real: Macaulay Culkin Drops Off iPod for DJ Gig

Rewritten:  Paparazzi Still Won’t Leave Home Alone Kid Alone

RealVladamir Putin Receives First Sample of Lake Vostock Water

Rewritten:  Vladamir Putin Mixes a Badass Scotch and Water for Himself

RealObama Tweaks Birth Control Rule

Rewritten:  Dems Poised to Capitulate on Birth Control to Appease No One