If your birthday is this week:   You will meet a dark and mysterious strange who will attempt to sell you Amway products.

Aries:   The stars say, change the batteries in your remote, they are about to die.

Taurus:    Your bank will attempt to foreclose on your tool shed.  Eventually, they’ll settle and just take your broken weed whacker.

Gemini:    You’ll get a wrong number call from Bob Dylan, but you won’t understand what the fuck he’s sayin’.

Lemini:    After coming back from the dentist you’ll order a pizza, but with all the numbness in your mouth it will arrived covered in Oreos and grass clippings.

Cancer:    You will recognize the next man you mug from your high school Civics class.  Fortunately, he was a dick to you then.

Leo:    This week, the roaches that live in your kitchen scrawl a note on a candy wrapper requesting that your drop healthier food on the floor.

Virgo:    A dimensional doorway will open near you this week and another version of you will step out along with a therapist.  The therapist will point to you and say, “Is THAT what you want to turn into?!”

Libra:   You will realize that you’re eating too much ice cream because it’s February and the ice cream man keeps driving down your street.

Scorpio:   Your torrid affair with Tom Green ends abruptly after it hits the tabloids and no one cares.

Sagittarius:   You will find your car filled with packing peanuts.  It’s not a prank, your neighbor just needed some place to store them.

Capricorn:   You will learn to read tea leaves, but all the leaves ever say is, “Water…hot!”

Aquarius:    Your friends will finally hold an intervention for you so you stop emailing funny videos to everyone.

Pisces:   You’ll choke on the last joke on your comedy horoscope.  Next time, start earlier than 4 o’clock in the morning.