Apr01

Your Fratoscope: April Fool’s Day

by tonyd on April 1, 2012 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:   You drone hits the wrong target.  April Fool!  That orphanage was full of terrorists too.

Aries:  You will look great in that bikini this summer.  April Fool!

Taurus:  When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, you won’t be the third person bitten.  April Fool!  You’ll be the second!

Gemini:  You will post an opinion on the Internet that people won’t think is trite and uninteresting.  April Fool!  You don’t have opinions.

Lemini:  The stars say, you’ll have an awesome day where you continue to go on living.  April Fool!

Cancer:  This week, you’ll have consensual sex with a gorilla.  April Fool!  It’ll be a rhino.

Leo:  You will be calling your insurance company after a flood washes away your house.  April Fool!  You can’t call anyone when you’re trapped on a roof in the ocean.

Virgo:  You will finally talk to that girl you like.  April Fool!  You’ll be too afraid to saying anything since you’re hiding in her closet.

Libra:  You will discover a snake living in your bed.  April Fool!  You’re homeless.  You don’t have a bed!

Scorpio:   You recycle bin will be full of old dildos this week.  April Fool!  Your dildos aren’t recyclable.

Sagittarius:  Your pizza will be 5 minutes late and therefore, free!  April Fool!  An angry pizza delivery guy will bitch slap you until you give him a $50 tip.

Capricorn:  Your roommate will steal that six pack you put in the fridge.  April Fool!  He’s can’t do that.  He’s across campus boning you girlfriend.

Aquarius:  You’ll get fired from your job.  April Fool!  You got fired a year ago and you can’t get fired from unemployment for another year!

Pisces:  Your sushi will not be fresh for lunch this week.  April Fool!  It totally will!

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Mar31

Ten Breakfast Sandwiches You’ll Never See

by tonyd on March 31, 2012 at 12:01 am

Let’s face it, the bar for breakfast sandwiches is low.  You’re in a rush to work, it’s early, you’re not quite awake yet and you have to grab something to put in your stomach.  The choices are usually sugary or greasy and hope you don’t carb crash before lunch.  But here now are ten breakfast treats you’ll never see anywhere.

1.  Lard and Chocolate on a Poppyseed Bagel

2. Broiled Squirrel Tender Sandwich

3.  BLO  (Bacon, Lettuce and Opium)

4.  Deer Scabs on Wheat Toast

5.  Sugar,  Mustard and Sand on a Sesame Seed Bun

6.  Chiggers and Beef on Sour Dough

7.  Pink Slime on a Croissant

8. Anything made with this.

9.  Deep Fried Mutton Chops on Rye

10.  Chum on an English Muffin

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Mar30

Rewritten Headlines: Cinnamon Challenge to Anchorman 2

by tonyd on March 30, 2012 at 12:01 am

We’re back with another Rewritten News cast!  Less tact, more news!

Real: Teens “Cinnamon Challenge” Dangerous: Not Innocent

Rewritten: Least Dangerous Thing Teens Do Moved to Top of List for Week

Real: Megan Fox Knows She’s Goregeous

Rewritten:  Attractive Woman Owns Mirror

Real:  $7 Billion Public-Private Plan in Chicago Aims to Fix Transit, Schools and Parks

Rewritten:  Chicago Mafia to Get Huge Bailout

Real:  Google’s Self-Driving Car Takes Blind Man to Taco Bell

Rewritten:  Self-Driving Car Hates Handicapped Man

Real:  Game of Thrones Returns on a Truly Epic Scale

Rewritten:  Geeks Renew HBO Subscriptions

Real:  Record Mega Millions Jackpot Sets Off Ticket Buying Frenzy

Rewritten:  99% Desperately Want to Join 1%

Real:  Apple Supplier in China Pledges Big Labor Changes

Rewritten:  Chinese Labor Camp to Tighten Security

Real:   Chinese Firm Surpasses Exxon as No. 1 in Oil Production

Rewritten:  Americans Losing World While Watching American Idol

Real:  Billions of Potentially Habitable Planets Discovered in the Milky Way

Rewritten:  Cantina Scene in Star Wars Closer to Reality

Real:  Two Studies Point to Common Pesticides as Culprit in Declining Bee Colonies

Rewritten:  World’s Ecosystem Severely Damaged Because of Your Fucking Lawn

Real: Stay Class Anchorman Fans, Part 2 is Coming

Rewritten: Actor Who Plays Same Guy in Every Movie, Decides on Same Title

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Mar28

Twitter in Focus: Steve Carell

by tonyd on March 28, 2012 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is funny man, Steve Carell.  Veteran of the Daily Show, the Office and many funny things.  Let’s see if his tweets are just as funny.

@stevecarell

February 24th:  “First order of business: I will not be doing any “That’s What She Said” jokes. It’s just too hard for me…”

Okay, get it out of your system.

February 24th:  “It just won’t leave me satisfied.” “I’m sorry. I don’t have it in me.” “I don’t think that I can keep this up.”

You could probably do a separate twitter just for Michael Scottisms.  Of course, if you didn’t do it right, someone could really suck at it.  Boom!  That’s what she said!

February 27th:  “After enjoying a tuna fish sandwich, my seven year old son kindly asked me to “Change my breath”.”

Nice.  He’s got your funny genes.

March 3rd:  “The next person who calls me a “nice guy” is going to get punched in the face.”

Did the people that call you that see “Evan Almighty”?

March 6th:  “I’m thinking about getting a tattoo of my ass on my ass.”

It’s gotta be better than this.

March 8th:  “I’ve decided to start tweeting words and phrases that I dislike intensely. First up: “Lunch-meats”.”

And then Steve Tweeted:  Iconic, Tube-socks, Appe-teaser, Doppler 7000, Doppler 8000 and Doppler Radar.

I think it’s the hard C’s and O’s that make these words annoying.  Or the mispronunciation.  That’s what drives me nuts with any word.

March 12th:  “True Story: Guy in Store: “Hey, are you Chris Carell?” Me: “Yes.” Guy: “I’m your biggest fan.””

In his defense, he is the tallest.

March 16th: “I’ve been looking for an un-registered dietitian, but they’re impossible to find.”

Go to South America.  They’re everywhere and they also drive the cabs.

March 19th:  “This morning I had a delicious breakfast of hashtags and bacon.”

I’m not sure if you can eat those, but they probably do taste better with bacon.

March 21st:  “Beauty tip: Drink at least 300 ounces of water a day. Your skin will glow! ***Spoiler Alert***This will result in kidney failure and death.”

That’s 2.34 gallons.  Definitely lots of peeing.

5 hours ago:  “Hyperbole is a thousand times better than exaggeration.”

More like a million times.

Okay, let’s rate Steve’s tweets.  No behind-the-scenes stuff, which is a shame because he’s working with Kiera Knightley in what looks like something interesting.  For Mustness, I give him a 6.  For Style, a 7 and for Insanity a 9.  That’s an overall score of 7.3.  Not bad.  Follow Steve, bros!  And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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