We’re back with another Rewritten News cast!  Less tact, more news!

Real: Teens “Cinnamon Challenge” Dangerous: Not Innocent

Rewritten: Least Dangerous Thing Teens Do Moved to Top of List for Week

Real: Megan Fox Knows She’s Goregeous

Rewritten:  Attractive Woman Owns Mirror

Real$7 Billion Public-Private Plan in Chicago Aims to Fix Transit, Schools and Parks

Rewritten:  Chicago Mafia to Get Huge Bailout

RealGoogle’s Self-Driving Car Takes Blind Man to Taco Bell

Rewritten:  Self-Driving Car Hates Handicapped Man

RealGame of Thrones Returns on a Truly Epic Scale

Rewritten:  Geeks Renew HBO Subscriptions

RealRecord Mega Millions Jackpot Sets Off Ticket Buying Frenzy

Rewritten:  99% Desperately Want to Join 1%

RealApple Supplier in China Pledges Big Labor Changes

Rewritten:  Chinese Labor Camp to Tighten Security

Real:   Chinese Firm Surpasses Exxon as No. 1 in Oil Production

Rewritten:  Americans Losing World While Watching American Idol

RealBillions of Potentially Habitable Planets Discovered in the Milky Way

Rewritten:  Cantina Scene in Star Wars Closer to Reality

RealTwo Studies Point to Common Pesticides as Culprit in Declining Bee Colonies

Rewritten:  World’s Ecosystem Severely Damaged Because of Your Fucking Lawn

Real: Stay Class Anchorman Fans, Part 2 is Coming

Rewritten: Actor Who Plays Same Guy in Every Movie, Decides on Same Title