If your birthday is this week:   After a freak accident with a Margarita Mixer, you will gain the proportionate strength and agility of someone that’s just drank seven margaritas.  You won’t fight crime, but you will cause a lot of it.

Aries:  You will discover that your best friend is in love with you, but then again you’ve always had a special relationship with your left hand.

Taurus:  The good news is, the cops will never find you.  The bad news is, they don’t find a lot of dead bodies.

Gemini:  You will go into your local mini-mart, ask to buy a newspaper and then have to explain to the 17 year-old clerk what a newspaper is.

Lemini:   Your cosplay Avengers costume isn’t appreciated at the movie.  Mostly because you keep seeing movies other than The Avengers.

Cancer:   Run!  Get out of Kitchen Stadium!  The secret ingredient is…you!

Leo:  Cutting a hole in the bottom of your popcorn bucket works.  Now you can fuck your popcorn.

Virgo:  The stars say, Cinco De Mayo does not mean “Stay drunk for five days straight”.  Give your liver a rest.

Libra:  This week, you’ll hitchhike in front of a Home Depot and find yourself deported to Mexico.

Scorpio:  You’ll discover that Cinco De Mayo does not mean “Bang five partners at once”.

Sagittarius:  The voices stop telling you to kill people this week and just ask if you’ll bathe more regularly.

Capricorn:   A total stranger on a subway platform will kick you in the nads for doing your pirate voice and rightly so.

Aquarius:  Sasha Baron Cohen stops by your house to promote his movie in person and stays in character the whole time.  He’s funny.

Pisces:  Your spouse returns after a long stay away, looks like no more jackin’ it in the afternoon for you.