Apple to Become More Like Microsoft
Rich Old Man Endorses Republican
Pentagon Treats Soldiers That Speak Truth With Usual Good Humor
Android Becomes Momentarily Sentient
A Few More Unemployed People Starve
White Trash More Interesting Than Wealthy Douchebags
Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die! Today, another comedy legend, Bob Newhart gets analyzed! He’s got a button down mind, let’s see what his Twitter account is like.
May 20th: “After a 50 year career, people do occasionally recognize me. The men think I’m an old army buddy and the women think I’m their first husband”
Old army buddy? Well, I guess you do sort of look like Hogan from Hogan’s Heroes.
Plug!
May 24th: “TWITTER BY SHAKESPEARE 2B OR NOT 2B, THAT IS THE ?? WHETHER TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS & ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS 4 TUNE…”
I like Twitter Shakespeare. It’ll mean the play will be over in less than ten seconds.
May 25th: “Peter Sellers was probably the best film comedian ever. He was a complicated man haunted by powerful demons but an absolute comic genius.”
May 27th: “Hallmark Channel BNS Marathon — http://blog.zap2it.com/frominsidethebox/2012/05/the-bob-newhart-show-memorial-day-weekend-marathon-the-show-holds-up-says-star.html …”
A comedy classic.
June 12th: “Stand-up comedy is not for the faint of heart or small of ego”
Understand Michael Richards? This is why you failed at it. Well, that and what you said.
June 15th: “Special thanks to @JuddApatow and @826LA – it was a great night for a great cause!!”
C’mon, Judd, put Bob in one of your movies. Anyone has to be better than Katherine Heigl.
June 19th: “Photos from the @826LA Benefit at the Broad Theater in Santa Monica http://twitpic.com/9y338d”
Lookin’ good, Bob. I always thought your show about the comic book creator was way underrated.
June 19th: “On stage at the Broad http://twitpic.com/9y36hz”
I’d totally go see Bob in concert.
July 9th: “Performing standup is a narcotic that I need-even if I do it a few times a year. Traveling is inconvenient but worth it to make people laugh”
You should do your next show on the Internet, Bob. Then you never have to travel!
August 17th: “Upcoming BN Performance 9/15/12 Carmel, CA Sunset Center”
When does Bob come to the East Coast? We need to see him in Atlantic City!
August 23rd: “When people tell me jokes, they tell the dirtiest joke imaginable. They’ll preface it by saying they’ll have to clean it up for me – Mr. PG”
So wait. Does that mean it’s cleaned up for you, but still sounds dirty? Or they completely edit the joke?
Okay, let’s rate Bob’s tweets. He’s got a good mix of behind-the-scenes and plugs. Needs to have more updates though. I give him a 5 for Mustness, a 7 for Insanity and a 10 for Style. That’s an overall score of 7.3. Follow the legend. Follow Bob.
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
If your birthday is this week: A man in the supermarket will challenge you to a shopping cart race and then throw frozen peas at you after losing.
Aries: You will discover that the presidential candidate staying in your guest room is not Mitt Romney, but a homeless guy with great teeth.
Taurus: You early prep work for the zombie apocalypse turns out to be premature and you’re force to give up the Costco to the cops and its owners.
Gemini: You will become sexually attracted to a particular brand of cracker.
Lemini: Since you bought that box of crackers, your roommate won’t leave you alone.
Cancer: Your pot dealer will ask you over just before the cops raid the place. He’ll then reveal that he thought you’d make an awesome cellmate.
Leo: This week, you’ll learn that you’ve been sleep laundering, which is why your clean socks never seem to run out.
Virgo: The ghost of Ben Franklin will appear to you naked and ask if you’d like a sensual massage.
Libra: You will learn that the “tooth fairy” you keep seeing is actually a crack head who has been stealing your dental implants.
Scorpio: You will meet a pornstar and together, you’ll save a bundle on buying contraception in bulk.
Sagittarius: Your Kickstarter will go so poorly, you’ll end up owing $53,000 to your fans.
Capricorn: Those aren’t chocolate covered raisins you found in the bottom of the rabbit cage.
Aquarius: A giant taco will confront you on the street, hurling cheese at you and shouting, “How do you like it?!”
Pisces: The judge lets you off on a DUI charge when you play the video of the car accident with wacky music and sound effects. Boing!
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