If your birthday is this week:  Go easy on the shrimp.  Turns out, the buffet is not free and you’re at the wrong wedding.

Aries:   The Japanese will make a game show about your pathetic life.  It will be weird as fuck.

Taurus:  You’ll get laid this week.  All that begging and crying finally pays off!

Gemini:  The Mafia will blackmail you into mowing your lawn more often.

Lemini:  You’ll become spokesperson for a hormone spay that keeps you from getting gang-raped by gorillas.  Don’t ask how.

Cancer:  That cameo you made in a short film about Islam makes you wish you had done the porn instead.

Leo:  This week, your blackjack dealer will finally cut you off.

Virgo:  The ghost of John Wilkes Booth will convince you to destroy all your pennies.

Libra:  The stars say, those slacks make you look fat.

Scorpio:  You’ll change your view on Bloomberg’s ridiculous soda law, mostly because you’re tied of banging fatties.

Sagittarius:  Aliens will land on your front lawn and demand to know why anyone would vote for Romney.

Capricorn:  Your body odor will overwhelm a taxi driver causing a three car accident.

Aquarius:  Your karate instructor beats the shit out of you and then says, “Okay, now you do it.”

Pisces:  You discover a new flavor, but give it a bad name.  No one wants to eat “Malgah-flem” ice cream.