Your Fratoscope: September 16, 2012on September 16, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: Go easy on the shrimp. Turns out, the buffet is not free and you’re at the wrong wedding.
Aries: The Japanese will make a game show about your pathetic life. It will be weird as fuck.
Taurus: You’ll get laid this week. All that begging and crying finally pays off!
Gemini: The Mafia will blackmail you into mowing your lawn more often.
Lemini: You’ll become spokesperson for a hormone spay that keeps you from getting gang-raped by gorillas. Don’t ask how.
Cancer: That cameo you made in a short film about Islam makes you wish you had done the porn instead.
Leo: This week, your blackjack dealer will finally cut you off.
Virgo: The ghost of John Wilkes Booth will convince you to destroy all your pennies.
Libra: The stars say, those slacks make you look fat.
Scorpio: You’ll change your view on Bloomberg’s ridiculous soda law, mostly because you’re tied of banging fatties.
Sagittarius: Aliens will land on your front lawn and demand to know why anyone would vote for Romney.
Capricorn: Your body odor will overwhelm a taxi driver causing a three car accident.
Aquarius: Your karate instructor beats the shit out of you and then says, “Okay, now you do it.”
Pisces: You discover a new flavor, but give it a bad name. No one wants to eat “Malgah-flem” ice cream.