If your birthday is this week: You will be carjacked by a fat man with a white beard and a red suit. He’ll insist that he has to get back to his workshop in two weeks or there won’t be any meth in time for Christmas.
Aries: You will have an exotic meal made of insects because you won’t notice the cockroaches in your hamburger.
Taurus: Billy the Exterminator will come to your house and force you to leave. On the up side, he does free you in a nice section of woods.
Gemini: Your robot is hanging out with the wrong crowd and breaking curfew. Time to reboot.
Lemini: The stars say, check that mole. The stars don’t like the looks of it.
Cancer: You will see your couch on Storage Wars. Guess you did forget to lock the door.
Leo: You will be emailed a picture of the penis of the guy that stole your iPhone.
Virgo: Let up on your boss, he’s under a lot of stress because he’s been asked to fire you.
Libra: Your Christmas shopping ends abruptly when the security guard finds what you stuck under your coat.
Scorpio: Sex with one of Santa’s Elves at the mall won’t be magical, but you will get a free Orange Julius afterwards.
Sagittarius: Your souffle gains sentience and begins you not to eat it. Later, it will complain and take up too much room in your fridge.
Capricorn: Hugh Jackman will challenge you to a game of Call of Duty Black Ops II. You’ll beat him, but no one will believe you. C’mon, he’s Wolverine, dude.
Aquarius: Asking the pizza guy to draw a picture on the inside of your box turns out to be a bad idea. Although his picture is awesome, the spray paint he uses for the graffiti gets all over your extra cheese and mushroom.
Pisces: You will rock the Christmas party, if by “rock” you mean eat all the free shrimp appetizers.
