Jan21

Ten Jobs You’ll Never See a Neanderthal Do

by tonyd on January 21, 2013 at 12:38 am

A new article speculates that we are close to cloning Neanderthals.  Here now are ten jobs we humans are probably not in danger of losing.

1.  Runway Model  (Those catwalks don’t support much.)

2.  Wedding planner  (Unless you want the theme to be something like “Buffalo guts”.)

3.  Barber  (Clubbing your head is not going to make your hair shorter.)

4. Firewood stacker  (Because I assume they have the same reaction to fire as Frankenstein.)

5.  Winner of the Tour de France  (Because steroids would just make these guys way too huge.)

6. Courtroom stenographer (Their giant hands will never hit the right keys.)

7.  Cellphone salesmen  (Are you really going to buy your phone from someone that believes taking a picture will capture your soul?)

8.  Waiter  (Oh, sure, he can carry a lot of food, but he’s probably going to put his giant thumb right on your steak.)

9. Marriage Counselor  (He’s just going to advise you to club your wife and that’s bad advice.)

10.  Bathroom attendant  (I don’t think you want to be sitting on the toilet when the smell of ass finally makes a Neanderthal snap.)

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Jan20

Your Fratoscope: January 20, 2013

by tonyd on January 20, 2013 at 12:13 am

If your birthday is this week:  Your Zero Dark Thirty themed birthday party ends with you being waterboarded with cake.

Aries:  The stars say, “Seriously?  You’re still reading horoscopes and claim to be an atheist?  Do you not see anything wrong with that?”

Taurus:  The next milkshake you have will be made with caulk.  That’s why you shouldn’t go to Lowes for milkshakes.

Gemini:  Your chocolate hamburger experiment will not be successful, but your kitchen will smell great for the week after.

Lemini:  A clerk will tell you that he has you down for 2013 in the store death pool when you go to buy a carton of cigarettes.

Cancer:  You’ll discover that the gypsy who told your fortune is heightening the odds by hiding man-eating jaguars in your car.

Leo:  You will finally sell that ornery jaguar you inherited to a desperate gypsy.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll discover you’re not a werewolf, just a hairy cannibal.

Libra:  You’ll discover that that bag of terrible tasting raw almonds was actually a bag of rabbit turds.

Scorpio:  You’ll forget your safety word, but the chafing will be worth it.

Sagittarius:  You will find that someone has ironically filled your monkey mascot costume with actual live monkeys.

Capricorn:  You will find a message at the bottom of your can of soup.  It will say, “You probably shouldn’t have eaten this.”

Aquarius:  You attempt at paintball gun control backfires and you will leave the meeting covered in bright green and blue splotches.

Pisces:  You will find out replacing the steering wheel of your car with an Xbox controller is very dangerous, but you do make it to places in record time.

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Jan19

The Walk Show: Funzy’s Place

by tonyd on January 19, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Tony checks out his uncle’s new restaurant.

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Jan19

Ira’s Drunken Recipes: Sherry Chicken

by tonyd on January 19, 2013 at 12:01 am

Ingredients:  Four boneless breasts of chicken, 1/4 cup of flour, teaspoon of salt, teaspoon of black pepper, tablespoon of olive oil, bottle of cooking sherry, 1/2 cup of chicken broth, 1 clove of garlic, 1/2 lemon, 4 carrots, one Coors Light, a tab of acid.

Step 1:  Drop acid

Step 2:  Decide acid is not working and call girlfriend

Step 3:  Get into argument how you never take her out everywhere

Step 4:  Remember the cheap way out, offer to cook her dinner, recover conversation beautifully

Step 5:  Get thirsty, drink beer

Step 6:  Look up and print out chicken recipe from Internet

Step 7:  Gather ingredients, notice that some of the ingredients keep sprouting tiny legs and try to run away

Step 8:  Find meat tenderizer, smash ingredients that appear to move

Step 9:  Put on oven

Step 10:  Remember recipe calls for stove, turn off oven and put on stove

Step 11:  Hear voices from inside oven, open oven to make sure invisible people can escape

Step 12:  Pour all the ingredients on the chicken, forgetting the recipe is right underneath it

Step 13:  Slap the chicken around and giggle uncontrollably

Step 14:  Put chicken in pan, place pan on stove

Step 15:  Flip chicken over and over again

Step 16:  Become convinced that if the chicken isn’t cooked correctly, you’ll be trapped in this kitchen forever

Step 17:  Burn chicken, decide to hide the evidence

Step 18:  Put the chicken, the hot pan and all the ingredients, including the containers into a trashbag

Step 19:  Run outside with trashbag.  Begin digging hole

Step 20:  Act surprised when girlfriend arrives and asks what the Hell you’re doing

Step 21:  Climb into tree for safety, insist your are invisible up there, even though you’re not and although you’ve clearly demonstrated the ability in the past

Step 22:  Spend next six hours being talked down by girlfriend

Step 23:  Go out for Chinese food

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