If your birthday is this week:  Your Zero Dark Thirty themed birthday party ends with you being waterboarded with cake.

Aries:  The stars say, “Seriously?  You’re still reading horoscopes and claim to be an atheist?  Do you not see anything wrong with that?”

Taurus:  The next milkshake you have will be made with caulk.  That’s why you shouldn’t go to Lowes for milkshakes.

Gemini:  Your chocolate hamburger experiment will not be successful, but your kitchen will smell great for the week after.

Lemini:  A clerk will tell you that he has you down for 2013 in the store death pool when you go to buy a carton of cigarettes.

Cancer:  You’ll discover that the gypsy who told your fortune is heightening the odds by hiding man-eating jaguars in your car.

Leo:  You will finally sell that ornery jaguar you inherited to a desperate gypsy.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll discover you’re not a werewolf, just a hairy cannibal.

Libra:  You’ll discover that that bag of terrible tasting raw almonds was actually a bag of rabbit turds.

Scorpio:  You’ll forget your safety word, but the chafing will be worth it.

Sagittarius:  You will find that someone has ironically filled your monkey mascot costume with actual live monkeys.

Capricorn:  You will find a message at the bottom of your can of soup.  It will say, “You probably shouldn’t have eaten this.”

Aquarius:  You attempt at paintball gun control backfires and you will leave the meeting covered in bright green and blue splotches.

Pisces:  You will find out replacing the steering wheel of your car with an Xbox controller is very dangerous, but you do make it to places in record time.