Aug02

Rewritten Headlines: Cooper to Steak

by tonyd on August 2, 2013 at 12:01 am

Let’s All Feel Morally Superior

The Predator Will Arrive on Planet Soon

Website for Unemployed Attracts More Out of Work People with PC’s

Director Obsessed with His Own Movie

Uruguay Looking to Attract Jamaican Tourism

Pope to Youth:  Why Don’t You Ever Call?

Waldo Somewhere in Russia

Government Workers Shocked That Their Shitty Behavior was Made Public

Italian Citizens Officially 100% Mafia

Eating Awesome Food Even More Awesome

 

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Jul31

Twitter in Focus: Jeffrey Tambor

by tonyd on July 31, 2013 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is father Bluth himself, Jeffrey Tambor.  Funny on the show and in everything (Larry Sanders Show anyone?), let’s see if his tweets match up.

@jeffreytambor

July 8th:  “Birthday W O O O H O O O O”

These tweets are actually vertical.  Just FYI.  And happy birthday, Jeffrey.  Hey, now!

July 11th:  “About to Appear In Black robes good wife Slimming Honored ”

This sounds like a confusing haiku.

July 11th:  “My son 8 Oh and by the Way Love your work”

Get him out of Hollywood, Jeffrey.  Now.

July 12th:  “Great News For ‘Arrested Development’ Fans via ”

Definitely have to find out who killed the other Lucielle.

July 12th:  “Uhhh Havent read the article. Dont know anything bout it So relax all. And enjoy season 4 I Say I”

Turns out, George Sr. kills everyone in Season 5. Can’t believe it.

July 12th:  “On Craig Fergusson Wednesday What Should I wear?”

A suit.

July 12th:  “No Check that CRAIG ON THURSDAY Fergusson”

Oh, that’s casual Thursday.  Go with Tommy Bahama.

July 15th:  “Wearing shorts Under my robes On We’re The Only ones Who know Shhhhh ”

Nice.

July 19th:  “ Sorry couldnt resist I adore you Sorry to crash your Comicon Panel Youre the best”

Aye-yi, Captain.

July 21st:  “Out of All limbs And Senses somewhat Intact I think I wore My id neck tag in My shower”

They’re designed to be worn in the shower.  Not that anyone that attends does that.

July 21st:  “I am shouting From rooftops I am one of the owners Of S ooooooooo Proud”

Nice and you carry graphic novels!  Let me know if you need any of these, I’ll cut you a deal.

July 21st:  “thank you so much Ill I am honored great panel great dinner great shower great zzzzzzzzz honored”

Oh, that’s right!  You’re Professor Cakes on China, Ill!  Another awesome show you’re on.

July 22nd:  “Yes yes Of course mention My name at Skylight BOOKS Curious myself as To the reaction Go see the new annex”

Do we get a discount?

July 23rd:  “By the way Ive had shelf Awareness For yesrs”

Ba-dum-dum!  Keesh!

July 23rd:  “Sunday at SXSW Interactive: Jeffrey Tambor is a Spiritual Healer :: Culture :: Features :: Paste ”

Just like in Season 4 of AR!

July 23rd:  “No No Not a new investor An Original investor Honored”

Prove it.  How many pennies in the take a penny, leave a penny jar?

July 26th:  “Get Ready For More “Arrested Development” via ”

Need more of you, Jessica Walter and Tony Hale.

Okay, let’s rate Jeffrey’s tweets.  Tons of behind the scenes.  This is what I like to see.  Totally genuine tweets.  I give him a 9 for Insanity, 8 for Mustness and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 9.  Totally follow Jeffrey.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

 

 

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Jul29

Fratty or Not Fratty with Pledgemaster Dick

by tonyd on July 29, 2013 at 12:32 am

Our pledgemaster may not have a degree from a “traditional” college yet.  But he does have a degree from the streets, which is usually where he ends up passed out.  Brace yourself, you pledgemaster speaks!

Anthony Weiner:  Fratty

This was a tough call.  While it’s not particularly fratty to email dick pics, it is fratty to do it, get caught and not quit running from mayor.  What balls!…so to speak.

Cannibal Lobsters:  Kinda Fratty

Apparently climate changing is messing up the lobsters so bad they’re eating each other.  Lobster stuffed with lobster?  Sign me up.

Edward Snowden’s dad:  Totally Fratty

This guy is almost as badass as his son.  Most people get intimidated when they’re on TV, not the Snowden patriarch.

The NSA:  Not Fratty

Am I the only one with an embarrassing history of emailing and posting in message boards drunk?   I do not need that shit haunting me!

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish:  Fratty

Not too salty, not to cheesy.

Test tube hamburger:  Not Fratty

If it was grown in a Petri dish, it does not belong on my plate.

Sam Simon:  Absolutely Fratty

If you haven’t heard, one of the Simpsons producers, Sam Simon, has terminal cancer.  Without any family, he’s donating his vast fortune to charity.  Can’t think of anything more fratty than that.

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Jul28

Your Fratoscope: July 28, 2013

by tonyd on July 28, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  You surprise party is canceled when it’s revealed that the Simpsons already did it.

Aries:  You will discover a way to time travel, but sadly it can only be fueled by racism.

Taurus:  Your doctor will tell you that he can no longer see you.  It’s not you, it’s him, but he’d like to remain friends.

Gemini:  You will be kicked out of your farm collective for not eating enough beets.  You asshole.

Lemini:  Don’t start singing when the spotlights hit you, the snipers are lining you up.

Cancer:  The valet will drive your car to his favorite lunch spot, eat his lunch and then drive it back to you.  That’s why the ashtray is full of Hostess cupcake wrappers.

Leo:  Don’t go to the casino this week.  You’ll lose.

Virgo:  The stars say, Comic Con is over.  Stop wearing that Jedi costume to work.  It’s against the post office rules.

Libra:  Your attempt at driving a bumper car off the ride and out of the amusement park ends in failure and partial electrocution.

Scorpio:  This week, you will be surprised by a money shot.

Sagittarius:  Get your glasses fixed this week or you won’t be invited back to the gun range or the custard stand that resembles the gun range.

Capricorn:  You will learn that leaving down the windows during a car wash isn’t like getting a shower.  It’s just painful to you and damaging to the car.

Aquarius:  Some dumbass rides into your carwash with his windows down.  YouTube that shit.

Pisces:  You will be arrested for trying to pass off waffles at a pancake breakfast, you monster.

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