Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday starts with a trip to the liquor store and ends up waking up in a field with no pants.  Good birthday.

Aries:  You ride with the top down in the rain, which is weird, because your car is not a convertible.

Taurus:  Your lottery numbers are 5, 13, 22, 25, 38 and 40.  They will, of course, lose, but that’s why they’re yours.

Gemini:  You will be visited by the ghosts of roommates past and none of them will pay their share of the gas bill.

Lemini:  You will glue your hands to your genitals and then successfully sue a packaging company that bottles both lotion and glue.

Cancer:  You will discover a Fight Club in a secret aisle in your local Costco.

Leo:  You will punch a nun.  She knows why.

Virgo:  You will find a note at the bottom of your fried chicken bucket that says, “Guess which piece was made from raccoon?”

Libra:  You will be clotheslined by Brett Butler in a Toys R Us.

Scorpio:  You will wear out another webcam girl, causing another one to actually enroll in college.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, clothes your bathroom window when you undress or start doing more sit ups.

Capricorn:  This week, you’ll be treated to dinner by the sociopath that kidnaps you.

Aquarius:  You will be cut off in traffic by an incredibly angry clown.

Pisces:  Time to buckle down and work, that jewelry store isn’t going to rob itself.