If your birthday is this week: You will get what you think is a really awesome hover board for at your birthday party. The truth is, you just got really, really high by yourself instead.
Aries: Due to a mix up, your massage will end with a Happy Meal.
Taurus: The stars say, watch Dr. Who on BBC. It’s pretty good.
Gemini: This week, your uncontrollable flatulence gets you a new job.
Lemini: Your editorial cartoon against gun violence gets you shot.
Cancer: A baseball player will dedicate his next strike out to you.
Leo: This week, you’ll roll to the front of the parking lot to see if there’s a closer spot, but there won’t be one.
Virgo: You will do terrible things just to watch the new season of Arrested Development. Later, you realize you could’ve just bought Netflix.
Libra: You will find a harmonica in your tuna salad.
Scorpio: Your trip to the gas station will be more erotic than usual.
Sagittarius: You will discover that diving for the ball is generally frown upon in Beer Pong.
Capricorn: Your “Bread Lending Library” last only a few days.
Aquarius: You will try a new gambling system at the casino, but it won’t work. Casino bosses rarely recognizing crying like a little bitch to get your money back.
Pisces: You will win the lottery just in time for the economy to collapse.