If your birthday is this week: Yeah-yeah-yeah, happy birthday. Now STFU the game is on.
Aries: A close friend will mathematically prove that you’re being an asshole.
Taurus: You will discover that your dwarf bookie outsources collections to much larger and stronger people.
Gemini: Someone else will make skid marks in your underwear.
Lemini: Your dog will up n’ die.
Cancer: The stars say, you’ll get really, really high this week.
Leo: You will find a plate of smores in the place you least expect.
Virgo: This week, be ready for that alien abduction. It’s the only way you’re going to be able to return those migrant workers to their own country.
Libra: You will win the first game of Vodka Pong, but only because your opponent gets alcohol poisoning.
Scorpio: You will find out that the cops do not have to give you a copy of a sex tape, even if it is recorded on a red light cam and you pay the ticket.
Sagittarius: Despite your best explanations, your spouse won’t let you take a “Marriage Snow Day” this week.
Capricorn: Your pet grooming business hits a wall when one of your customers drops off a gorilla.
Aquarius: The homeless guy you give a dollar to, will shake his head and hand it back.
Pisces: You will stay home for your favorite bowl game: the Cupcake Bowl. Followed closely by the Diabetes Bowl.