If your birthday is this week: Despite your birthday, cosplaying as “Pantless Man” won’t get your a discount at the con.
Aries: You will finally get to the head of the line at Comic Con, only to discover it’s the wrong Enterprise Captain.
Taurus: You will discover too late that the Avengers 3 preview is not in a convention bathroom stall and that creepy guy is not Joss Whedon.
Gemini: You’ll spend a great weekend at Comic Con, only to realize you didn’t interact with comic books the entire time you were there.
Lemini: Stan Lee will bitch slap you.
Cancer: You will attend a panel where Jar-Jar Binks releases his sleazy tell-all book.
Leo: You will calculate that 44% of the con crowd are dressed as Harley Quinn.
Virgo: The ghost of Gil Gerard will explain to you that he’s still alive.
Libra: You will become hypnotized watching a Spiderman cosplayer with huge junk.
Scorpio: You will have sex with a Spiderman cosplayer.
Sagittarius: You’ll almost escape Comic Con with money, but Lou Ferrigno will shake you by the ankles before you leave.
Capricorn: You will get a flat tire and realize you have no jack. Fortunately, Linda Carter lifts the back of your card until you can replace it.
Aquarius: The stars say, don’t eat food in the convention hall, save your money for comics.
Pisces: You won’t go to Comic Con this year, but you will enjoying saving the three grand you would’ve spent on sushi.