If your birthday is this week: As always, your birthday gifts will be thrown into a heap while your family gorges themselves on turkey. Sorry.
Aries: You’ll realize that there are no sandwich Elves, you just like to get really high right around lunch time.
Taurus: Having your youngest cousin stuff the turkey turns out to be a bad idea unless you like stuffing made of Matchbox cars.
Gemini: For your behavior the previous year, you’ll be demoted to the kids table and not be allowed to drink.
Lemini: You will meet the love of your life on a stroll around your block, unless you live in Buffalo. In that case, you’ll watch a news story about someone freezing to death in the snow.
Cancer: Your car keys are in your other jacket.
Leo: The stars say, carve the turkey, don’t stab it and scream, “Die! Die! Die!”
Virgo: One of your guests becomes severely injured at the table, mostly for suggesting to serve ham next year.
Libra: Your turkey is raptured and you’re all forced to go to McDonald’s.
Scorpio: It turns out your invite was really to stuff an actual turkey, not a sexual suggestion. You’ll be forced to put all your S&M gear back in your car.
Sagittarius: You’ll pass a town ordinance forbidding Christmas decorations until after this week and will be unanimously re-elected to mayor.
Capricorn: This week, you’ll realize you cannot deep fry a turkey using the trunk of your car as the pot, but you can get your trunk lining extra crispy.
Aquarius: Your pilgrim guests will be offended by everything you do and especially your buckleless hats.
Pisces: You will reconnect with the medical staff that pumps your stomach after dinner every year. They’re doing well.