If your birthday is this week: Someone gives you a black knit cap, black turtleneck and black pants, so someone talked about the robbery.
Aries: That friend you asked to pick up your mail while you’re away, he steams everything open, reads it and then reseals it.
Taurus: Take a hit, then another, but stop at 16. The dealer will bust. Then you’ll lose the next 20 blackjack hands in a row.
Gemini: Your lucky number is 5, as in, “For the fifth time, stop wasting your money on lottery tickets you’re not going to win.”
Lemini: The stars say, you have a face that will stop traffic, but will be unable to survive the impact.
Cancer: Asking someone to pass the ketchup will turn into a fist fight, again.
Leo: This week, cat rustlers will steal your cat. They’ll demand a ransom, but you’ll pretend you’re not home when they call.
Virgo: Your diet milkshake pyramid scheme falls apart this week when 40% of your customers are diagnosed with diabetes.
Libra: You make the mistake of feeding seagulls on the beach, so you and your beach blanket get showered in bird poop.
Scorpio: You will sue Subway after you taste chipotle sex jelly on your hoagie and you distinctly asked for plain sex jelly.
Sagittarius: You will get a boot on your car, but the joke’s on the meter maid— You stole that thing a week ago!
Capricorn: You will be called into your boss’s office after complaining about him on Facebook. But don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to master the filters while you’re on unemployment.
Aquarius: You get to knock off work early after the people you’re robbing come back from vacation a day early.
Pisces: You’ll go on an awesome trip and forget your troubles, mostly because you’re drunk the entire time.