If your birthday is this week: You’ll finally be too old to gawk at high school cheerleaders without someone talking about calling the cops.
Aries: No matter how many episodes you watch, you still don’t understand Dragonball Z.
Taurus: You’ll get punched in the junk by a little bearded person for asking him to join the Fellowship of the Ring.
Gemini: Your castle staff will discover that you switched places with the real duke.
Lemini: Your pants will malfunction at an inopportune moment.
Cancer: You’ll finally sell that pair of joke pants to an unsuspecting Lemini.
Leo: You will discover that Lemini is not a real astrology sign.
Virgo: The stars say, beware because you owe the stars money and the stars wanna get paid.
Libra: You will mispronounce most words this week.
Scorpio: You’ll go on another drunken binge and add several items to the list of inanimate objects you had sex with.
Sagittarius: You’ll discover that Pop Tarts are even better deep fried.
Capricorn: Your roommate will eat all the decoy food, but use all the real toilet paper in the bathroom.
Aquarius: A co-worker will slap you on the behind and say, “Nice job. Now you slap me.”
Pisces: You will discover that Vietnamese gum is no different than American gum.