If your birthday is this week: Your birthday presents consist of a lot of leftover turkey and stuffing. Score!
Aries: The FBI wants to talk to you, but just about your terrible choices in wardrobe.
Taurus: Your pizza man will hand you some menus to other local restaurants and say, “Nothing personal.”
Gemini: You will discover that Soylent Green is people and it’s delicious!
Lemini: You will have a dream in which you’re molested by a fiberglass clown at a fast food restaurant.
Cancer: Your smart phone will demand that you finish college if you want to continue to get your text messages.
Leo: You will accidentally find yourself backstage at a Nickelback concert. You’ll try to leave, but it’s mandatory that you have to stay 40 minutes.
Virgo: You’ll find a mouse with diabetes at the bottom of your Captain Crunch cereal container.
Libra: You will bring a flashlight to the movies and pretend to be an olde tyme usher. No one will question it.
Scorpio: The stars say, get your finger out of there.
Sagittarius: This week, a neighbor will start putting up his Valentine’s Day Decorations.
Capricorn: You’ll forget to charge your phone and it will die in the middle of sexting that girl on Tinder.
Aquarius: A Capricorn will talk about how he’s really like to get you back to his place and “fu”.
Pisces: You will be in leftover heaven except for the turkey farts.