If your birthday is this week: Drunk New Year’s Eve you drinks all the liquor in the house, so Birthday you spends his birthday sober…again.
Aries: You will discover that your life has just been a very intense internship up to this point.
Taurus: You will break your New Year’s Resolution and eat a bucket of chum.
Gemini: Your recreation of the Times Square ball drop finally drops, ruining it’s falsetto singing voice.
Lemini: The stars say, 2015 will finally be your year to shine, mostly because you’ll be involved in a terrible shellacking accident.
Cancer: Stop adding nuts to you cookies, Cancer. No one likes them.
Leo: You will dance like no one’s watching, but it ends up on YouTube anyway.
Virgo: You need an Altoid the size of a Frisbee to overcome your current breath.
Libra: You will wake up in an open field in Kentucky after spending New Year’s in Times Square.
Scorpio: You will break your New Year’s resolution and have sex with the mailman to get free stamps.
Sagittarius: You will wake up in the middle of Times Square after spending New Year’s in an open field in Kentucky.
Capricorn: Your house will be infested by gay cockroaches who reupholster furniture in much better colors.
Aquarius: Your porn video is popular, but only because it ends up on the Fail Army channel.
Pisces: You will recover from your vacation, but it may not be enough and you probably need another vacation.