If your birthday is this week: For the last time, Saturday’s party is not for you.
Aries: The ghost of Dick Clark will come to you and reveal that Ryan Seacrest ate his soul.
Taurus: The stars say, there’s a better parking spot closer to the mall.
Gemini: Your Pokemon will mutiny.
Lemini: Trump will have you deported after you fail to tip the valet at his hotel.
Cancer: You will be forcibly Mohawked.
Leo: You’ll ruin a friend’s wedding, but save another friend’s divorce.
Virgo: Your Roomba empties the medicine cabinet and runs away.
Libra: You’ll be the last actor to not appear on Law and Order.
Scorpio: You’ll have a sensual experience at the Petco.
Sagittarius: You’ll misread a text and party at Square Times, a square dancing school.
Capricorn: You’ll break your New Year’s Resolution and eat at Arby’s while having sex at Arby’s.
Aquarius: You’ll join Dollar Shave Club and the rest of 2017 is all down hill from there.
Pisces: Start this year right and free the hobo’s chained in your basement.