If your birthday is this week: The stars say, happy birthday to you, you belong in a zoo, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too.
Aries: You are gaining weight because your trail mix is all chocolate chips and M&M’s.
Taurus: You will find the skeleton of an intern deep within the maze of cubicles at work.
Gemini: Your incompetent bookie finally figures out that you can’t bet on the cheerleaders during a Super Bowl.
Lemini: You’ll have an early dinner and the other patrons at the Old Country Buffet somehow get you into the AARP.
Cancer: This week, make sure you wear pants to work.
Leo: Brian Williams will attempt to sell what he claims is “primo” lake shore property.
Virgo: You don’t win the $380 million lottery, but you will find a penny.
Libra: You’ll lose that fake penny you made.
Scorpio: You will finally figure out a way to incorporate a puzzle into the love-making process.
Sagittarius: A Mormon will come to your door. Don’t answer, he really has to take a shit.
Capricorn: Eat the cottage cheese before Thursday or it will go bad.
Aquarius: Your relationship is on the skids, so it’s time to take a moment, do the mature thing and really figure out how you can fuck over your ex for being such an asshole.
Pisces: You’re so hungry this week, you’ll accidentally eat a place mat.