If your birthday is this week: Watch out for the possums in your yard, they just been pretending not to plot against you up until now.
Aries: You will create a new restaurant called “Just Frosting” and make millions tripling the cases of diabetes in your region.
Taurus: You will pay a lot of money for a movie and food and realize you could’ve gotten a better experience and better food at home for half the price.
Gemini: Remember the Alamo! Because it’s the answer to number 14.
Lemini: A leprechaun agrees to grant you three wishes, but only if you allow him to make sweet love to you in the highway rest stop bathroom. Turns out, he was lying about being a leprechaun, so his wish-capabilities are severely limited.
Cancer: You will put your vacation to East Africa on permanent hold.
Leo: You’ll chew some gum, watch some TV and get a phone call: hands down, it will be your most exciting week this year.
Virgo: The spirit of Elvis will appear to you and ask you to make him a sandwich.
Libra: You’ll realize that your best friend is a raccoon and that he hasn’t returned your car in a week.
Scorpio: You will sue a porn site after they post a sex tape of you under “amateur” insisting to the judge that you’re no amateur when it comes to banging on camera.
Sagittarius: You’ll finally remember to return that Blockbuster video you rented.
Capricorn: Your directions suck, but it shouldn’t stop you from giving them when people ask.
Aquarius: This week, you’ll collect an inordinate amount of change and triple you visits to wishing wells.
Pisces: Get ready for a rocking week! A localized meteor shower is about to hit your house!