If your birthday is this week: Your birthday gifts will be mostly VHS copies of movies you don’t like that people found in the trash.
Aries: This week, Matthew McConaughey stops by and eats all your pretzels.
Taurus: Your Pokemon Go pokemon will begin demanding benefits.
Gemini: Donald Trump will arrest your falafel and deport it to the Middle East.
Lemini: You’ll finally realize that you can’t play video games all day, when there’s tons of heroin left to shoot.
Cancer: The stars say, the government is putting secret message in the labeling of snack foods, but the stars have also been up for three days doing meth.
Leo: Good news, the neighbor’s dog isn’t pooping on your lawn, it’s some homeless guy.
Virgo: The ghost of DeForest Kelly reminds you he’s a ghost, not a doctor.
Libra: You have a gambling problem. None of the children that play blackjack with you, have much money.
Scorpio: You will sext so hard, it’ll void the warranty of your iPhone and your dildo.
Sagittarius: You’ll become sexually aroused by a velvet clown painting.
Capricorn: You’ll mistake vanilla extract for your eye drops and smell and see cookies all week.
Aquarius: Someone filters all the pulp out of your extra pulpy orange juice.
Pisces: You’ll spend another relaxing Sunday with your inner demons playing poker.